10 Amazing Experiences You'll Miss Out On If You Have Kids

By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-11-15 21:50:26 | Updated at 2024-11-16 00:38:23 2 hours ago

Brought to you by: PROLIFE Across AMERICA

Children... who needs them? Think of all the stuff you'd be missing out on while you're wasting your time loving and raising a bunch of kids.

The Babylon Bee has compiled the following helpful list of amazing experiences you'll end up missing out on if you have kids:

Knowing the difference between gonorrhea and syphilis: A useful skill few have the opportunity to learn.
Waking up with no memory of how you ended up in an alley in Detroit: Everyone deserves the chance to be confused about how they ended up in a totally different city... or state.
The wonder and joy of abortion: So empowering.
That coveted promotion to Northwest Regional Assistant Sales Manager: "Regional Assistant Sales Manager" looks way better on a tombstone than "Loving Mother."
Running six-hour raids in World of WarCraft: You'll never be the savior of Azeroth if you have kids to feed and care for.
Walking your teacup yorkie in a stroller: He looks so cute in the sweater you knit for him.
Mocking pathetic families who have to spend the holidays together instead of at a half-empty Applebee's: Those fools don't know what they're missing.
Taking Zoloft and birth control recreationally: It'll expand your mind.
Putting half your ping-pong table in the upright position and playing exciting games against the ultimate opponent — yourself: Kids are terrible at ping-pong.
Dying alone: The only thing worse than dying is having people watch you do it. Now you can die in lonely despair the way people are supposed to.

These are only a handful of the great things you will never get to experience if you have children. What moments of your life would you have missed out on if you had children? Let us know in the comments.

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