By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-01-28 22:35:46 | Updated at 2025-01-30 05:35:48
1 day ago
With reports rolling in of widespread panic among the illegal immigrant population of the United States, foreign-born people across the country are looking for ways to avoid being apprehended and deported.
The Babylon Bee is here to provide assistance by listing the following helpful tips for illegals wanting to avoid ICE:
Go back home: Simple, but effective.
Obey immigration laws: Studies show the best way to avoid being charged with a crime is to not do anything to break the law.
Take off your sombrero: You'll be less identifiable and blend in with every other Juan, Ricardo, and Geraldo.
Resist the urge to lead an armed gang to forcibly take over an apartment complex: It may be difficult to resist this urge, but your willpower will pay off.
Don't rape anyone: This activity may draw too much attention.
Learn English: Making a convincing case to the governing authorities is much easier when you can actually speak a language they understand.
Cut back to less than one murder per week: ICE is targeting violent criminals first, so go easy on the murderin'.
Get your MS13 face tattoo removed: Laser removal may be pricey, but it will help you be less conspicuous.
Ask Selena Gomez to hide you in one of her mansions: She's got several of them, and she reportedly has a soft spot for illegal aliens.
Find the perfect hiding place, like Venezuela: ICE will never look for you there.
Virtually any of the options mentioned above is a surefire way to evade capture and deportation. You'll escape the clutches of ICE and be back hanging out in the Home Depot parking lot in no time. Have your own suggestions? Drop them in the comments.
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