By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-10-08 19:40:25 | Updated at 2026-10-08 21:04:36
1 hour ago
PITTSBURGH, PA — Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers decided to give up the psychedelic ayahuasca after getting sacked last Sunday by Big Bird.
Rodgers explained that on third down in his last game, he dropped back for a short pass, only to see the gargantuan yellow form of Big Bird barreling down on him from his blind side.
"I saw Big Bird go right past the left tackle with an incredible swim move, which I guess kind of makes sense," said Rodgers. "He's huge, Big Bird. Incredible range. My running back stepped up to chip him and give me a little more time, but Big Bird put him on skates with a quick spin. He bodied me, man. It was like I was in an explosion of pain and yellow feathers. That was when I thought... maybe it's time to give up the ayahuasca."
According to teammates, no defender appeared to be remotely in the area when Rodgers went down. "It was a clean pocket. I just saw Aaron suddenly hit the turf, and then he started screaming, 'No, Big Bird!'" reported right guard Brock Hoffman. "I tried to help him up, but he kept saying, 'Stay away from me, Elmo. You and your red demon hands!' So I just let him be."
At publishing time, Rodgers had asked stadium security to remove the Count for gleefully tallying his interceptions.
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