Dear Jane,
I've had the worst luck with dating, and all my friends are telling me that I'm the problem.
I'm someone who falls very hard, very fast. So, when I meet a guy I really like, I naturally want to spend a lot of time with them.
But you see, I often get swept up in the heat of the moment... especially in the bedroom.
And that's where my friends say it all goes wrong: in the throes of passion, I accidentally let three little words slip.
'I love you.'
It happens with almost every guy I date – I prematurely express my feelings for them and send them running for the hills. The last guy I dated wouldn't even text me back.
I think it's obvious that I don't actually love them, I just have love for them. But my friends say the my excitement is enough to scare a man off!
But frankly, it's a bit immature for them to decide that is a dealbreaker. I mean, it's just three silly words. Who cares!
Unfortunately, my friends seem to think that it's keeping me from being successful in dating.
Sincerely,
Lover Girl
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Lover Girl,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is everything wrong with your bad habit, for a multitude of reasons.
Your friends are unfortunately correct – your bad luck in dating is entirely of your own creation.
As lovely as it is to be open-hearted, to fall head over heels in the heat of the moment – and much too soon – is almost always a recipe for disaster.
Many women get swept off their feet in the early days, but it takes time to get to know someone.
Sleeping with someone, let alone saying I love you, before you really know them is premature. You don't know him, and having great chemistry does not mean great compatibility – in fact, it means little if it's a relationship you're after.
You're not falling for the man in front of you, but for the fantasy he's offering.
My best advice to you is stop sleeping with men you hardly know, particularly if you know you have a propensity to blurt out your love for them.
Those three 'silly little words' may be meaningless to you, but they are terrifying to every man who hears them in the early days of dating, and will always send them running off.
What is it that you really want?
If it is a long-term relationship, you need to slow down and get to know who it is you're with and whether they are the kind of man you really want. What are their values, are they a good person, do they have friends, are they responsible with money?
Rushing intimacy may make you feel secure, but it's the quickest way to end of a relationship. As old-fashioned as it may be, a woman who jumps into bed with a man is simply not going to hold his interest for long.
Dear Jane,
My best friend is a hair and makeup artist and, ever since I got engaged, she has repeatedly told me how 'excited' she is to do my bridal look.
She's sent me mood boards and picture inspiration, asking me what kind of looks I prefer, and what I'm wearing.
There's just one problem: I never asked her to do my glam.
Worse, I don't want her to.
Admittedly, she isn't the best hair and makeup artist, and on my wedding day I want the best of the best.
I don't know where she got the idea that she would be my de facto artist, but I haven't yet mustered up the courage to tell her the truth.
I don't want to hurt her feelings, but now that she's started asking for specifics, I feel I have no choice but to rip the bandage off and tell her.
I'm just worried I'm going to lose a friend over it.
Sincerely,
Saying I Don't
Dear Saying I Don't,
It can be hard to deliver bad news to someone we care about. We often try to push it aside because we're afraid of the response, just as you are doing.
But the truth is, it isn't our job to manage other people's emotions. Our only job is to convey our truth with clarity, honesty and kindness.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.
And the sooner you tell your friend, the better.
Take her aside and tell her that you love her, and although you think she is wildly talented (in these circumstances a little white lie is forgivable), you feel uncomfortable with giving her such a huge responsibility and want her to enjoy the day as your friend.
She's likely to protest and insist that she wants to do it, but hold firm. Tell her that you have already made your decision. Eventually, she will have to listen.
She may be upset, but it is not your job to manage her feelings. If she ends up walking away from your friendship as a result, then your friendship did not have a strong enough foundation.
Either way, this is your wedding day, and you are allowed to choose what you want.
