By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-06-24 17:30:20 | Updated at 2026-06-24 18:46:48
1 hour ago
NEW YORK, NY — Almost 25 years after it successfully flew two jetliners into the Twin Towers, killing thousands of people, Al-Qaeda clinched Tuesday's New York City primary election in an explosive landslide victory.
According to sources, the number one issue going into the election was Jews — an issue voters appear to have solved by electing known Al-Qaeda terrorists Brad Lander (NY-10), Darializa Avila Chevalier (NY-13), and Claire Valdez (NY-7).
Moderate Democrats were reportedly unable to win over voters — half of whom were Muslims who deliberately infiltrated the city for the sole purpose of defeating them.
"Allahu Akbar!" said one excited voter as he cast his ballot and made his wife do the same.
According to exit poll interviews, non-Muslim voters had a number of different reasons for willingly choosing terrorists to represent their once great city.
"The Jews made me vote for Al-Qaeda," said Steve Gentles, a voter in the 13th district. "A tiny Jew literally jumped on my hand and made me vote for them. So don't blame me!"
"What was I supposed to do? Not vote for a terrorist who wants to destroy my way of life? That's stupid," said another voter.
Ruth Harper, a voter in New York's 10th district, said, "The way I see it, I don't have to be afraid of terrorist attacks if we're supporting the terrorists." She then made a show of tapping her head with a finger to indicate how smart she is. "4D chess," she added.
Mayor Zohran Mamdani claimed responsibility for the dramatic election outcome.
"Is defending oneself and punishing the aggressor in kind, objectionable terrorism? If it is such, then it is unavoidable for us," Mayor Zohran Mamdani said from a cave outside the city. "Praise be to Allah."
At publishing time, comedian Jerry Seinfeld parted the waters of the Hudson River to lead the Jews out of Manhattan.
Behold! Woke Jesus is teaching when the Pharisees bring to him a woman caught in adultery. Listen and learn from this cherished Bible story about how Woke Jesus turned to intersectionality.
