By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-15 16:30:22 | Updated at 2026-09-15 17:11:04
45 minutes ago
ROME — The Apostle Paul reportedly expressed anxiety that believers might scrutinize the details of his epistle to the Ephesians and notice that the Armor of God does not include pants.
While Paul carefully urged followers of Christ to put on the Belt of Truth, Breastplate of Righteousness, and Helmet of Salvation, shod their feet with the preparation of the Gospel, take up the Shield of Faith, and arm themselves with the Sword of the Spirit, he admitted that he hoped no one would ask about any trousers.
"I covered the chest, head, feet, and core," Paul said. "It's a comprehensive spiritual defense. If people start fixating on lower-body coverage, they're completely missing the broader theological point. We don't need pants to be godly. Though they can help, certainly."
Faithful companions who wrote down the words of the epistle from Paul's dictation said they paused during the description of the armor, expecting a mention of something pants-like. The apostle reportedly waved off their concerns, insisting that Roman military tunics provided sufficient coverage and that adding extra garments would ruin the flow of the letter.
"In a spiritual battle, you focus on the sword and the shield," explained local scholar Gaius. "You don't stop mid-combat to wonder what kind of pants you should be wearing."
At publishing time, Paul was furiously writing a follow-up letter urging the Ephesians to stop overthinking the metaphor and to please stop parading around in their underwear.
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