At 58, I was horrified to find out I had 'dead butt syndrome'. Then I tried a lunchtime non-invasive treatment and my pancake bottom is more pert WITHOUT doing a single squat... it's reduced my chronic back pain too

My physio gave me a sobering diagnosis recently. At 58, my chronic back pain was, in no small part, down to my underperforming bottom. Decades in a desk job have left my glutes so weak they’ve practically switched off. There’s even a name for it: ‘glute amnesia’, or ‘dead butt syndrome’. 

And I’m not alone – weak glutes are a common cause of lower back pain. As the body’s largest muscle, they are responsible for keeping you upright, as well as bending down and taking the stairs. But if you’re largely sedentary, they forget what they are supposed to do and leave your back to take the strain.

Muscle has been dubbed the ‘organ of longevity’ by leading muscle health physician Dr Gabrielle Lyon, who says that our quality of life as we age depends on our muscle health. The biggest muscles in the body are the glutes, so for longevity gains, the bottom is a prime target. 

Not only does muscle keep us mobile into later life, but it’s metabolically active tissue that helps regulate blood sugar and burns calories at rest. ‘Muscle is where most of your glucose is stored after a meal,’ says functional hormone nutritionist Pippa Campbell. ‘The more muscle you have, the better you can handle blood sugar.’

But did I really have to spend hours in the gym doing squats to achieve stronger glutes? Or, I wondered, was there a shortcut – with the added benefit of giving me a Kim Kardashian-style backside, too?

According to the makers of the Tesla Former (no relation to Elon Musk’s electric cars), their machine is it. It delivers 50,000 glute contractions in 30 minutes via giant electromagnetic pads the size of dinner plates strapped to your bum to strengthen and tone muscle. All you have to do is, well, nothing.

So I decided to give it a go at the Geneviv Clinic in London. Its founder, Viviane Botoaca, buckles me up to the slightly terrifying-looking machine and dials up the intensity.

There are 39 exercises in a 30-minute session that vary from squeezing, slapping, tapping and pulsing to buzzing – and gripping so strongly that my toes tingle. I can feel things happening in my pelvic floor. What on earth is going on?

‘The machine uses functional magnetic stimulation, known as FMS, to excite the motor nerves and trigger contractions, specifically, 50,000 contractions in 30 minutes, which it’s impossible to do voluntarily,’ explains Botoaca. At peak intensity, it can reach 12cm deep.

Even if I could do 50,000 squats in one go, and with perfect technique, I wouldn’t be able to recruit all possible muscle fibres. ‘When we exercise normally, our body doesn’t switch on every muscle fibre at once,’ she says. 

‘Instead, it gradually recruits them as more force is needed. FMS bypasses the body’s normal voluntary activation process by triggering powerful muscle contractions from outside the body. This allows more muscle fibres to contract at the same time, creating an intensity that’s difficult to achieve through voluntary exercise alone.’

Functional magnetic stimulation (FMS) can treat anywhere on the body using different attachments and programmes.

And unlike your personal trainer, the Tesla Former doesn’t care if you’re tired, and it never lets your technique slip.

I interrupt Botoaca to ask what the sudden tapping sensation is, as if there’s an elastic band flicking at my bum. Apparently it’s a ‘recovery’ mode which helps prevent lactic acid build up that could cause cramp and spasms. While the sensation is certainly strange, it’s not painful, and over the next few days I’m happy not to feel delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS) like I normally would after a gym workout.

After six sessions over three weeks, the results are visible – my bum is now more perky, less pancake. The creases where my bum cheeks meet my thighs now have an upturn – I’d almost say they are smiling.

The idea isn’t that a machine replaces your exercise routine and, at £3,000 for the recommended six session package, it’s certainly pricey. But it does give you a kickstart, especially if you are say, recovering from surgery and physically cannot exercise. Or, of course, if you want a quick butt lift (most people, like me, can have two sessions per week). 

To get the most out of your treatment, you need to eat a diet rich in muscle-building protein, such as eggs, chicken and salmon, which mine is. Maintenance sessions every one-to-three months (£700 a pop if you don’t want another package) can help you keep up the good work.

And what about my back pain? It’s still a work in progress, but it’s noticeably reduced thanks to better support from my new buns of steel. Botoaca spots that, on side view, my left glute hasn’t hoiked up as my right one. Indeed, this tallies with my back pain issue, which is more on the left side.

Physiotherapist Mattia Zappala explains: ‘When you have chronic pain you tend to avoid using the muscles that hurt, which creates a vicious cycle.

‘Chronic pain can interfere with the brain’s ability to recruit those muscles, so you have to retrain that connection again.’

He agrees that the Tesla Former has helped wake up those muscles that had been neglected, but it’s not a replacement for squats, lunges, strength training or for making those crucial brain-to-muscle connections voluntarily.

While FMS is the Rolls-Royce of muscle building, a cheaper (but less powerful) option is to wear a whole-body electrical muscle stimulation suit while exercising. They look like wired-up wetsuits, and can be found at specialist gyms such as E-Pulsive (£80 for 20 minutes). However, there’s no spa couch – you have to get your sweat on. The 36,000 electrically-stimulated muscle contractions in one session only work on the muscles while you’re actually exercising.

What this has taught me is that the current fashion for big bottoms (so long as they are muscly) is actually beneficial for health... but nothing beats the gym. Does my bum look big in this? I hope so!