BEL MOONEY: My dad made home movies of our families as our children grew up. Now my brother has edited the films - and I've made a truly shocking discovery...

 Dear Bel,

I have never written to you before but hope you can shine a light on my family dilemma.

Years ago my father had a cine camera and filmed my family and my brother's family as our children grew – in lots of happy times.

My brother took ownership of these films and I have just discovered he has had them turned into DVDs, editing out my son and me, leaving us on the cutting room floor.

There are three films left that have not been tampered with, so I asked if I could take them and pay for them to be transferred onto DVDs without doctoring them – but my sister-in-law refused.

My son would dearly love to have some records of our family memories, as would I. But what can I do?

My family consists of just me and my son. I'm afraid I haven't always had a close relationship with my brother, but it is better now.

I would never have eradicated my brother's family from those films – and so, psychologically and emotionally, it seems very significant and disturbing. I don't know how to deal with it. What should I do?

MARINA

BEL MOONEY REPLIES: Family mementos can be so important – but are also a frequent cause of dissent (and worse) among siblings.My 'dress for the day' message proved a hit

I have to assume your father is no longer with you, hence your brother taking 'ownership' of the cine films. If he is older than you, it goes some way to explaining his sense of entitlement.

I certainly share your disappointment and sadness that he chose to have you and your son edited out of the home movies. It seems a shocking thing to do.

So why did it happen? You admit your relationship was not good but had improved. But you don't give a timeline.

If he took the home movies in a period when you did not like each other, it might explain his decision to butcher the footage. That doesn't excuse his actions, but goes some way towards explaining them.

Have you looked back and tried to work that one out? It's obviously too late to save the material but it might make you less disturbed if you can be honest about how the relationship was at the time.

As for the present situation, I have absolutely no idea why your sister-in-law should have any say at all over what is actually your father's property, on which you surely have an equal claim. The issue is between you and your brother – nobody else. Of course, you don't want to say this to her because it will only make matters worse.

Do you have any old photograph albums containing pictures of those 'happy times' you remember with such affection? If so, I'll suggest something which has worked for other readers in the past.

Find a few really charming pictures of you and your brother together (fingers crossed this is possible) and have them printed. Then get some proper writing paper and pen a letter to your brother saying how much the memories of happy times in your childhood mean to you, and you hope he recalls them with as much affection.

Enclose the snaps, and ask if you can borrow the remaining films to have them copied onto DVD before returning them to him.

Write nothing negative or critical, and omit any reference to the edited films or your talk with his wife.

That's all I can think of, and I hope that it works.

Dear Bel,

I am writing to you at last but I have been wanting to for 13 years! That was when I lost my beautiful mum.

Since that time my lovely family of eight has been reduced to three. Sadly, my caring, affectionate, generous dad died a month before Christmas.

Between Mum's death and his we lost my second brother and little sister. All in devastating circumstances. I am beside myself with grief.

I read your helpful column every week and you always seem to have the perfect words of comfort. After each bereavement I have had the urge to write to you.

For one thing, I want to honour my parents who were so in love from the time they first met, when my mum was sweet 16. My dad had to go off to do national service and they wrote every single day – sometimes twice daily.

So now I have a case full of letters from 1951. I have only begun to look at my mother's but not my father's as that feels like intruding on his privacy so soon after his death. Their love story is like no other; they had so much to say, and it's all in the letters.

Each one I read brings so much proof of the unconditional love they had for each other and for us as children, I can barely believe it. Theirs was a most wonderful love story.

They struggled with six children. Their first son was born with liver problems and other complications and they were told he would not live.

He spent his life in and out of Hammersmith Hospital in London, until he died many years ago.

Soon the three of us who are left will be mingling their ashes – and adding them to those of our parents' three children who have passed. God bless them all.

They always said their love would be eternal. My Dad was calling for Mum until his last breath and waited for us to leave the room before he went on his final journey. That's the kind of man he was.

Years ago you wrote about a ritual of burning letters or even objects as a way of coming to terms with terrible loss. So I took your advice to start to burn some of the letters once I had read them, so that the smoke would be sent up to them in heaven. But I feel confused and sad so I'm not sure whether to continue.

I do hope that you can give me some guidance.

RACHEL  

BEL MOONEY: Letters from wartime, missives from long-ago (it now seems) times like the 1950s and 1960s can be of great interest – depending on the content, of course.

You're right: in the past I have indeed suggested writing to somebody dead who has perhaps caused pain, and then burning it in an act of ritual sacrifice, to cleanse the spirit or as an act of expiation.

It might also be that someone would wish to burn some or all of the property of the dead as a means of achieving closure or to prevent anybody else from accessing the objects or documents.

There is no single 'rule', and I wouldn't want anybody to think I assume a 'one-size-fits-all' about advice.

In your case you would obviously want your siblings to be involved in any decision over anything that once belonged to your parents. One of them might even wish to catalogue the letters, putting them into chronological order in folders, so that there can be a sense of 'conversation' in the continuity of replies.

It would be a good idea to source a beautiful box to keep the correspondence in, and to 'seal' it by tying it up with a ribbon, perhaps in your mother's favourite colour.

But whatever you do with those letters now . . . do nothing you may regret. Let them lie – and now plan a beautiful ceremony with the ashes of those who will always be held tightly within your heart.  

And finally... My 'dress for the day' message proved a hit

Oh, I do like being agreed with! Last week's And Finally about clothes and colour and taking care of yourself really resonated.

To be honest, I expected some disagreement – that people would tell me there's nothing at all wrong with spending all day in your pyjamas, and that I shouldn't use the pejorative term 'slobbing' about a choice which many people find comfortable.

And, of course, we can dress as we wish at home – but please, no jim-jams in the supermarket!

Karin H wrote: 'Even though I am 83, I dress every day in something cheerful. Last year it was a lot of orange, but apart from red, my favourite colour, I wear blues and pinks.

After breakfast I always put my make-up on. Recently a workman came before 9am and I had messy hair and no make-up. I was devastated that he should see me like this. So next day I made sure I looked better.'

You go, girl!

And Ros C was equally cheering: 'I love reading you and have even got a 'happy' book I fill in e

very night. I have recently recovered from cancer and while going through a gruelling course of chemo my mantra was, 'When feeling low, get up, dress up, show up and never give up.' It helped me face each day.'

Still mourning her husband, Eve S wrote: 'I agree making an effort helps and am following your advice. So I look and feel much better today!'

Bonnie M was full of approval, too: 'It's marvellous that you take a pride in your appearance even when working from home – so important for self-esteem.

'The day I stop dressing to face the day, even though I'm retired, it will be time to lay me to rest.'

Yay!

Bel answers readers' questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.