By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2025-01-17 14:02:28 | Updated at 2025-01-21 12:20:56
4 days ago
Q In my youth I met a girl who was the love of my life, but we couldn’t make it work and broke up. I couldn’t forget her, though, and, after a couple of years, I called her. When we met she told me she always felt we had something special and that she was falling for me again. Although she was seeing someone, it wasn’t working and we began dating. But one night when we were out she was told that her boyfriend had tried to take his own life and she dashed off to be with him. I never saw or heard from her again and later learned she’d moved abroad.
After some years I was given her address and wrote, explaining how I still felt. She replied that our relationship was all part of growing up and that, although it was difficult for her to express, if I read between the lines I’d know what she meant.
In time, I married someone else. We have been together for over 40 years and have children and grandchildren. However, now in my 60s, I’ve thought about my old love every day of my marriage. My feelings, which are more intense than ever, cause me bouts of depression and I often consider contacting her again.
A I’m sorry you feel so down over this. First loves often leave powerful imprints on us because they are our first experience of romantic euphoria. However, your feelings for her are not healthy. Sometimes this is called limerence – an infatuation that’s overwhelming but not necessarily returned.
First love can also be a fantasy. You had all the hopes and dreams of a future but without the cares and responsibilities. Having the luxury of gazing into each other’s eyes and staying up talking all night is very different, for instance, to worrying over a sick child or dealing with a broken dishwasher as you might in a long-term marriage.
Because it ended so abruptly, the relationship was never resolved, which has allowed those heady early days of passion to dominate your thoughts still. It is sad that you have spent 40 years – your whole marriage – thinking of her, and it must be painful for you to long for her. But it is even sadder for your wife; you don’t mention how you feel about her, but I wonder if this longing has held you back from investing fully in your marriage.
Your depression might be connected to a sense of regret over the direction of your life, in contrast to how you hoped it would be. So perhaps your feelings for this woman are not solely a longing for her but a grief for your younger self.
Never tell your wife that you have thought about your first love all this time. However, I do think you need to talk to someone, so see your GP regarding the depression and also try counselling at bacp.co.uk or betterhelp.com.
Will a medium help me cope with my grief?
Q My mum died just over a year ago. She was 86 and had been in ill health. I’m 60 and feel I should be getting over losing her, but I was so close to her that I can’t stop thinking about the unfairness of all that she suffered in life.
My dad was an alcoholic and I remember terrible arguments while I was growing up. I don’t think he ever hit her but she became withdrawn and lacking in confidence. My dad passed away 20 years ago, which gave her some relief – but she remained unhappy.
Since my mum died I keep crying and wishing I could see her again. A friend recommended a medium who, she said, had brought messages from her dad and this had helped her find peace.
I don’t believe in them, though.
A I don’t think a medium is what you need. You’re grieving not just for your mum, but also for yourself and the happy childhood you never had – something many people might take for granted, but which is not everyone’s experience, sadly.
It must have been hard to see your mum’s continued unhappiness after your dad’s death, and this has affected you greatly. I hope you’ve been able to break the pattern (sometimes, children whose parents are in difficult relationships can be drawn to repeat the familiar). You also perhaps felt powerless to make your mother happy, but this is too much responsibility to place upon yourself.
Counselling, perhaps long term, would help you process these emotions, so please try the resources in the letter above. You should also see your GP because I think you’re suffering from depression.
