By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2024-09-27 11:35:10 | Updated at 2024-09-30 13:33:09
3 days ago
Q My husband and I have been happily married for nearly 40 years and have two children in their 30s. While our daughter is in a loving marriage and has two little ones, our son is still single. He has had a few relationships, usually short-lived, and while he always says he is ‘madly in love’ at the beginning, they never last.
To be honest, most of his girlfriends have seemed a little dull to us. The only one we really liked – who was with him for nearly three years – eventually told us after she left that he was never going to commit. She desperately wanted children but he didn’t, and she knew he would never change his mind. They have stayed friends and she is now married with small children. Our son even goes to see her and the kids sometimes, and has become a sort of uncle figure – he is a good uncle to his sister’s children, too. I feel that he must regret not having stayed with this girlfriend.
However, he insists he doesn’t want the responsibility or cost of children, though he does say he would like a partner. He has a decent career and often takes short-term contracts abroad. He seems to thrive on the excitement of constantly being in a new situation. However, I fear he will regret not having children in the long run and have a lonely old age if he can’t commit.
A I do sympathise, but you need to try to let go of the fears for your son’s future because it is only causing you stress. Yes, he might feel some sadness that his relationship with his ex ended because he appears very fond of her. However, that doesn’t mean he regrets his decision, as ultimately they wanted different things.
For so many people, the drive to have children is strong, but this is not the case for everyone. Please be honest with yourself and ask how much of this is the worry about your son being lonely in old age (a long time away!) or is partly about your own wish for more grandchildren.
It sounds as if he is a little hooked on romance, falling madly in love at the beginning then the interest fading when he realises they are not the perfect woman of his imagination. There is some immaturity here. I suspect your son is full of charm and has always found it easy to attract women. This, coupled with the problem of internet dating – that someone new will always come along – might have contributed to this reluctance to commit. I would be concerned if I thought this meant he wasn’t treating women well but, as he is still great friends with his ex, it is hopefully not the case.
Try to relax. He is a kind uncle, a loving son and a good friend. As long as he is not unhappy, the partner can come along when your son is ready.
IS SHE EXPLOITING OUR ELDERLY MOTHER?
Q I am fed up with my sister taking advantage of our mother’s kindness. My sister married late and has children under ten, while mine are adults. She lives near our mum and she and her husband are still asking her to babysit and collect the children from school three times a week, which is too much. My mum, a widow, is in fairly good health but is 79, and my sister forgets this.
I asked Mum how she felt about being so involved and she admitted she’d like to do less. I’ve urged her to tell my sister this but she doesn’t want to upset her. They haven’t always had the easiest relationship. I’d speak to my sister myself but I know she would only be defensive.
A Your sister is clearly difficult territory and, yes, it does sound, unfortunately, as if she would take any approach from you as an attack. However, as your mother has not had the easiest relationship with her, it’s understandable that she doesn’t want to rock the boat in case it affects her closeness to her grandchildren. She may also be worried about ‘giving in’ to old age. If older people relinquish their normal activities, it can make them feel anxious or depressed about no longer being useful. But I do think you are right to protect her a little.
So perhaps just say to your sister (or her husband, if he is easier) that your mother seems tired these days and you are worried about her. This will sow the seeds for a more direct approach if needed. Meanwhile, continue to help your mother build up her confidence to tell your sister that it’s too much. If nothing changes, you might have to be slightly more direct with your sister about your concerns.
