Depraved Lawlessness: Biden Issues Full Pardon To Blippi

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts said was perhaps the final and most disturbing development in the long list of announcements made by the outgoing administration, President Joe Biden issued a full pardon to Blippi.

The shocking declaration, which was made public just before President Biden departed for a vacation that was scheduled to last through the end of the year, will pardon Blippi for all crimes committed against humanity — both past atrocities and any acts that Blippi may perpetrate in the future.

"This time he went too far," said Senator John Fetterman. "There are reasons why the Democratic Party is losing the support of everyday American people. This latest pardon from the president is a perfect example. People are willing to put up with a lot of things they don't agree with, but pardoning Blippi? That's too much for any decent human being to stomach."

President Biden left for his holiday vacation without commenting or taking questions from the press, but Americans across the country weighed in with stinging criticism. "Is there not justice anymore?" asked Eve Corning, housewife and mother of two young children. "After the things Blippi has done to everyone… he just gets to go free? I don't understand how anyone can let him get away with everything without facing any consequences. It's wrong."

At publishing time, Americans held their breath as rumors began to circulate that Biden may seek to issue a pardon to the producers of Peppa Pig before leaving office on January 20.

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