By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-08-19 17:15:16 | Updated at 2026-08-19 17:26:06
13 minutes ago
TALLAHASSEE, FL — After an election night in which the Sunshine State successfully tallied all its votes within hours of the polls closing, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis explained to California Governor Gavin Newsom that the secret to counting ballots in one night is not committing fraud.
Sources revealed that Newsom called DeSantis late Tuesday night to express amazement at Florida's vote-counting efficiency, with DeSantis helpfully responding to his fellow governor that tallying ballots is much faster and simpler without the widespread implementation of election fraud schemes.
"You'd be shocked at how easy it actually is without all the fraud," DeSantis reportedly said. "As crazy as it sounds, it really does just come down to counting. Literally. As in ‘1, 2, 3, 4,' and so on. I understand that may not be your strong suit, but I'm sure you have people who can get it done."
Insiders from Newsom's office confirmed that the governor suspected DeSantis must have been engaging in some type of witchcraft to count so many votes in so little time. "What type of dark sorcery is this?" he reportedly asked his staff. "Everyone knows that counting ballots takes five or six weeks, minimum. DeSantis must have some ancient leather-bound tome somewhere that provided him with a secret incantation that counts votes. Fraud or no fraud, there's no way to tally ballots so fast. I don't like it."
At publishing time, DeSantis had also informed Newsom that determining state election results was much easier if you don't allow millions of illegal aliens to vote.
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