By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-08-18 17:30:16 | Updated at 2026-08-18 17:37:19
11 minutes ago
DALLAS, TX — Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport announced the installation of a new "Hijackers Only" TSA screening line to better accommodate the needs of terrorists.
The "Hijackers Only" line will reduce the screening time for terrorists planning to storm a plane's cockpit, allowing them to bypass certain portions of TSA screening that could make them uncomfortable.
"At DFW Airport, we want to make sure every hijacker feels at home," said airport CEO Chris McLaughlin. "No terrorist should ever get stuck in a long TSA screening line and wind up missing the plane they were supposed to hijack. That's why we are adding a special line for hijackers where they can bypass traditional screening. No more metal detectors, X-rays, or pat-downs. Terrorists no longer have to worry about feeling excluded or singled out because they brought box cutters or explosives on board. That's the spirit of inclusion that we here at DFW believe in."
Terrorists welcomed the news, stating that the change was long overdue. "We are thankful that the people at DFW have at last begun to make reparations for the years of discrimination we have suffered," said terrorist Abdul Mohammed. "For decades, it's been 'No, you can't bring that machete on the plane' and 'Sir, you're going to have to step out of line with that bomb and ticking clock.' It is beautiful to see that the forces of tolerance are finally winning out."
At publishing time, DFW Airport had added a "Hijacker Pre-Check" line for terrorists in a hurry.
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