By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2024-11-27 10:50:59 | Updated at 2024-11-30 00:47:11
2 days ago
Who chooses the restaurants you go to? Who decides where you go on holidays?
The answer to that for many men is 'My wife'.
Watch any 80s sitcom and you'll see female led relationships have been around for a very long time.
The hapless husband might make the money but it was the competent wife who (kindly) manipulated him into making the decision SHE wanted.
This dynamic still works for many people.
But not all.
Plenty of men feel emasculated and controlled in their relationships and lots of women see their husbands as another child they have to look after, rather than an equal.
Some men feel emasculated in their relationships and lots of women see their husbands as another child they have to look after (stock image)
Can a relationship ever be truly equal?
The honest answer to that is probably not.
Even if you make most decisions bilaterally, there's generally one who has the final say.
This is rarely a problem if it's how major decisions are decided, but you both do your own thing when it comes to personal choices.
Lots of relationships function with the woman deciding everyday decisions (what you'll eat, when to see friends) not because she particularly wants to but because her partner isn't interested in having input.
It's when one person makes nearly all the decisions, without ever checking in, when relationships become toxic.
Here, two men give different perspectives on what it's like to be in a relationship where your wife runs your life.
You'll also find tips on what to do if it's happening to you against your will.
Sex and relationships expert Tracy Cox (pictured) spoke to two men who had very different perspectives on being with a domineering partner
THE 10 GIVEAWAYS SIGNS OF A DOMINATING WIFE
How do you know what’s done out of love and what’s done to control you? Easy! It’s control when…
- It’s her way or the highway. I want the window open, I don’t care if you’re cold.
- She blames you for how she is. If you weren’t so useless/good for nothing/bad at listening, I wouldn’t have to behave like this.
- You owe her. I did this for you so you should do that for me.
- She gaslights you. I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t say that at all. You’re imagining things.
- When things you wrong, you’re blamed. You forced me into making that decision because you said this. Now look what’s happened!
- Sex is used to punish and reward. If you do as I say, I’ll sleep with you. If you continue to behave like this, I won’t.
- She’s unpredictable. ‘I love you’, one minute. ‘You disgust me when you do that’, the next.
- You have no privacy. I need your passwords in case something happens to you. If you loved me, you wouldn’t mind me knowing.
- She hates all your friends. They’re a bad influence and bad news. Why would you even want to spend time with people like that?
- She hates your family, too. Your sister’s a b***h, your mother interferes. They have no style or class – no wonder you ended up the way you are.
'MY FRIENDS WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT ME THEY DID AN INTERVENTION'
*David, 36, has been in a 'miserable marriage' for 14 years and stays only because he has two children with his wife.
'How does she control me? Where do I start? I'm not sure where the control ends and the belittling starts.
'She says, "All you care about is sex" if I dare to try to talk about it to make things better. Which is interesting, because we've been married 14 years and have had very little sex during that time.
'Her other favourite is telling me "You have to be drunk to enjoy life" and "You're just like my father".
'This is not a compliment: her father was an alcoholic. I like to have three beers (never more) on Saturdays and Sundays and enjoy the buzz.
'I get that she is nervous about me drinking but it's insulting that I am being compared to a man who'd drink a whole bottle of whiskey then get in his car and drive.
'I work hard, have a steady job and I'm a great dad. Her father didn't achieve anything at all in his life. How am I like him?
'The thing that really gets me is that I'm made to go to bed at 9.30pm because that's when she wants to go to bed. I'm 36 years old for God's sake, not 86!
'She says it's for "together time" but all she does is read her book or watch Netflix. She's lying anyway. What she doesn't want is for me to have some time alone. Probably thinking I'll watch porn or talk to my mates – which both sound great to me, quite frankly.
When one person makes nearly all the decisions, without ever checking in, the relationship becomes toxic (stock image)
'I never get any time alone or time to do what I want. We do the shopping together, take care of the kids together, walk the dogs together. I'm suffocated.
'I'm never allowed to spend any time with my friends – she guilt-trips me so much, I've stopped seeing most of them. They stopped inviting me to things because I always had to make up an excuse and say no and they knew I was lying.
'How could I tell them my wife would make my life so miserable if I went, it just wasn't worth it? How humiliating to admit that's what my life is like.
'They did a bit of an intervention the last time I saw them all: said they were worried about me and thought I was miserable in my marriage. I was so embarrassed.
'My best mate is the only one left and he's the one she hates the most. He was in a marriage with a controlling wife and left her and is now happy as can be.
'I can see why she's nervous because it does make me think whether I would be better off on my own.
'My best mate was the one who gave me the courage to challenge the situation about a year ago and we went to therapy for a few months.
'I had high hopes things would change but it only lasted three months. She refused to go anymore because she said they made everything seem like her fault.
'I've told her I can't live like this and then she cries and says she can't live without me – or gets nasty and says I'll never see my kids again.
'I have no idea what to do to solve this and feel incredibly depressed at the thought of having to live like this for even one month longer.'
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR WIFE LIMITS YOUR LIFE
Here’s how to navigate your way to a more egalitarian future.
Where’s it coming from?
Is she controlling out of love, fear or insecurity? Or are there darker, more narcissistic tendencies at play?
Do you feel unheard in certain areas or is there an imbalance in everything?
Choose a calm moment to chat
If your answer is ‘There never is one with her’, it’s a sign you need outside help (like a couples therapist) or to leave the relationship.
But sometimes, people don’t realise the negative impact of their behaviour. She might see it as helping you.
At least attempt to talk it through. Say ‘I feel hurt when you don’t ask my opinion on anything’. Encourage her to share her perspective as well.
Set healthy boundaries
Decide on areas where you need more autonomy or shared decision-making. That might be financial choices, career decisions, what you do with your spare time.
Acknowledge her strengths
Respect breeds respect. If she makes good choices for both of you in certain circumstances, let her know you appreciate it.
Get help from others
Talk to friends and family about the situation and ask for their perspective and help. Is there anyone she’s close to who she might listen to?
It’s also important to confide in others because controlling people like to isolate their partner.
The more she realises people know how she’s behaving, the less likely she is to get completely out of control.
Get professional help
If nothing works, couples counselling is your only solution, apart from leaving the relationship. You’ll find a certified therapist at relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk.
'I LOVE HAVING A WIFE WHO IS CAPABLE OF MAKING GOOD DECISIONS'
Dan, 28, is newly married but been with his partner for eight years.
'My wife is the boss of our life, but it works for me. I knew when I met her that she was going to be in charge, so it didn't come as a shock.
'She runs a marketing company and is extremely organised and competent. I'm an electrician and work for a small company.
'She's driven as a person and good at juggling lots of balls; I am more methodical and take longer to do things. She's good at organising, I'm better for jobs that require patience.
'She chooses the holidays, decides our social calendar and is the "driver" of most things. I action the "to do" lists that she gives me, and it works well.
'When we met, I wasn't leading the healthiest lifestyle. She made me eat better and made me cut down on drinking, but any fool can see these were decisions made for my own benefit. She's not an army major, just guides me towards the right decision.
'A lot of the things she takes control of – like decorating or what presents we buy friends – she's better at anyway. She cares more about the things she decides than I do.
If nothing works, couples counselling is your only solution, apart from leaving the relationship (stock image)
'In lots of ways, it's a pretty cushy life. She does all the research and hard work, and I come in at the end when we both choose from one or two options. I see it as a plus not a negative.
'My previous wife was the complete opposite - all over the place and completely disorganised with everything. I spent the whole time with her in damage control: trying to make sense of the chaos she'd create.
'For all the men who complain about a controlling wife, there are those who would kill to have a wife capable of making good decisions.
'It's so much better having a wife who is your equal or superior in some ways than having one who behaves like a child and can't make a decision to save her life.'
HERE’S WHAT YOU THINK OF CONTROLLING WIVES
This is what people told me on social media when I asked this question.
What he said:
'My friend’s wife is so controlling, he called her because the lunch he was about to buy was £2 more expensive than his allotted amount. He says if he didn’t call, she’d shout at him. I was horrified.'
'That doesn’t go there. Don’t park there. You’re not going anywhere until you do this. Put the rubbish out. I can’t believe you put the rubbish out before it was ready.
'I can’t ever win even if I do everything she says. I feel like I’m living in a prison. She gives our seven -year-old more respect and freedom.'
'I invited a (male) friend over to stay the night while she was off visiting her sister. I didn’t tell her because it was late, he got too drunk to drive and it wasn’t a big deal.
'She found some beer cans in the recycling and forced me to confess what happened. Seriously, it was like I’d let a serial killer stay in our spare room.
'That was the straw that broke the marriage. I walked out the next day and never looked back.'
What she said:
'Men are babies. If we could trust them to make decisions, we would. Fact is, women run men’s lives because most are incapable of doing it themselves.
'If I left it up to my husband to pay the bills, organise the meals and keep our lives running smoothly, nothing would get done. I don’t like doing it, I am forced to do it.'
'His mates joke that I run his life and they’re right but only because he likes it that way. He says it makes him feel looked after.
'His mother wasn’t very maternal or nurturing and I suspect the grown up him enjoys it because the little him didn’t feel protected or cared for.'
'I was the wife who ran his life but realised it wasn’t doing me any favours at all: I just did all the work and he got to lie back and watch me.
'One day, I made a list of everything I did that made our lives run smoothly and divided it in half. Then I sat him down and told him this was how things would work in the future.
'He was a bit put out to start but we’re so much happier living as equals.'
* Some names have been changed.
- There's more advice on relationships at traceycox.com, as well as details of her books, podcast and blog. Tracey's product ranges are sold exclusively through Lovehoney.
