By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-11-05 19:50:37 | Updated at 2024-11-05 23:28:00
3 hours ago
U.S. — Just in time for Election Day, officials unveiled a brand-new ballot box for Libertarians to use which, they say, will improve the efficiency of the counting process.
"These new ballot boxes will expedite all votes for libertarian candidates, moving them straight to the garbage dump where they belong so they don't slow down the voting process," said Director of the Election Assistance Committee Jennifer Counter.
Libertarian voters were reportedly excited to see the government take such meaningful steps to improve efficiency. "This really makes a lot of sense. It's nice to have our votes go straight to the dump rather than being painstakingly counted by a poll worker being paid with my stolen taxes," said Skipp Thimbly, a New Hampshire Liberatarian.
DNC officials responded by calling for Republicans to also get their own special ballot boxes so that Democrat votes can be routed straight to election officials and Republican votes can be conveniently misplaced.
"This should really speed things up," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said as she answered a reporter's question about the new ballot boxes. "This is a common-sense measure that will save money and protect our democracy."
Libertarian presidential nominee Chase Oliver reportedly believes he now has a 100% chance of never being president, which he says is a huge relief. "I voted for myself and threw my ballot straight in the new Libertarian trash-can ballot box where it belongs," he said proudly.
At publishing time, election officials unveiled a recycling bin for Green Party voters.
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW:
Click here to find out how you can watch the movie when it releases on October 11
