By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-13 19:25:25 | Updated at 2025-03-14 07:53:04
12 hours ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled that the First Amendment, guaranteeing the right of free speech to American citizens, does not apply to Meghan Markle.
The emergency ruling came following outcry over Markle's continual attention-seeking and upheld a ruling made in the court of public opinion that the Duchess of Sussex should just shut her yap.
"The First Amendment is one of the most sacred in our nation," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in a majority opinion. "It is a recognition of the divine rights bestowed upon all men by our Creator. But it is the opinion of the Court that Meghan Markle's speech doesn't count.
Markle joined a list of other known exceptions to First Amendment protections, such as defamation, fraud, and true threats of violence. Part of the court's decision stemmed from the belief that she is not a genuine person, essentially committing fraud with her very existence and every word she speaks.
"There isn't a genuine bone in her body," said Justice Clarence Thomas. "Also, she's really annoying. I feel really bad for Prince Harry."
According to insiders, the court decided to take up the case of The People v. Meghan Markle after Justices Amy Coney Barrett, Sonja Sotomayor, Elena Kagan, and Ketanji Brown Jackson watched the Netflix Special With Love, Meghan. "If I didn't hate England before, I do now," said Justice Jackson, unaware that Markle is actually American.
At publishing time, President Donald Trump had Meghan Markle arrested and charged with crimes against humanity.
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