By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-01-02 16:45:19 | Updated at 2025-01-05 00:33:41
2 days ago
NEW ORLEANS, LA — In the wake of the deadly New Year's terrorist attack on Bourbon Street, the Federal Bureau of Investigation assured concerned Americans that it would put its most diverse agents to work on the terror care.
Shamsud-Din Jabbar intentionally drove a truck through a street crowded with pedestrians before exiting the vehicle and opening fire, leaving FBI officials scrambling to assign its most inclusive team of agents to investigate the attack.
"The most important aspect of this case is diversity," said FBI spokesperson Rachel Jennings. "While we understand there are a lot of questions about the incident, we want the public to rest easy knowing that above all else, the agents working on this case will be from the most underrepresented segments of the populace. We absolutely will not rest until there are no qualified agents participating in the investigation. That is our duty and our vow."
With Americans left shocked by the deadly attack and questioning the effectiveness of federal law enforcement, sources close to the investigation made it clear that nothing would deter the FBI from reaching its top objective — diversity. "This isn't about solving crimes and bringing criminals to justice," said one source within the government agency that exists to solve crimes and bring criminals to justice. "This is about making sure our agents are hired based on their minority status. It's what we owe the American people."
At publishing time, the FBI had also urged anyone with information related to the attack to report it immediately so that agents could hide it as quickly as possible.
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