By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-17 20:40:27 | Updated at 2025-03-18 04:46:59
8 hours ago
DUBLIN — Longtime local residents were shocked and amazed this morning, as the ghost of the long-dead Saint Patrick spontaneously appeared and began driving Rosie O'Donnell out of Ireland.
Witnesses said the ethereal apparition materialized in the town square shortly after sunrise and began shouting for the former actress-comedienne-talk show host to pack up her things and vacate the country.
"Out! Out, ye vile, rotund serpent!" Saint Patrick's ghost reportedly screamed. "We've no tolerance fer evil, wicked creatures such as yerself! Off ye go! Back! Back to the fires of California from whence ye came! God will protect Ireland from yer filthy practices! An' stop eatin' all the potatoes!"
According to sources, O'Donnell was caught off-guard by the ghost's sudden arrival and took off running into the countryside. "No! No! You can't send me back to Trump!" she shouted as she attempted to escape. Witnesses said Saint Patrick's spirit floated off in hot pursuit. "Ye can't get away from me, ya loudmouthed interloper! Lord Almighty as my witness, I'll not rest again ‘til I rid Ireland of yer foul stench, ye blasphemous whale! An' take yer cursed Prius with ye!"
One pub owner who saw the incident expressed gratitude to the nation's patron saint. "Our thanks t' our dear Saint Patrick," said Seamus O'Flaherty. "He's returned from the grave to protect Ireland's soul from that terrifying butch demon. Ye shoulda seen ‘im. I've not seen a ghost that angry since me departed da' caught me drinkin' his whiskey."
At publishing time, O'Donnell had reportedly fled across the Irish Sea to find refuge in the communist utopia of London.
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