By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-28 21:25:18 | Updated at 2025-03-31 14:19:36
2 days ago
NUUK — Vice President JD Vance was met with a cold reception early Friday when he arrived in Greenland to find a grand army furiously making snowballs to defend against an invasion from the United States.
Amid rising tensions, the vice president had to scale back his initial plans to visit the towns of Nuuk and Sisimiut, instead spending all his time at Pituffik Space Base, where he connected with soldiers on the ground to learn the true nature of Greenland's growing war machine.
"We've seen them throwing snowballs at snowmen for snow target practice," reported 821st Air Base Group Commander Mark Redding. "It's a very bold show of force. We can't match their snowball technique."
According to intelligence reports, Danish Armed Forces at the Joint Arctic Command oversaw the recruitment of Greenlander natives to mass-produce as many snowballs as they could, with current estimates placing their snowball supply in the millions.
"We will fight to the very last man!" said Commander Inuk Jensen. "We're even hiding rocks in some of these snow balls. So... you know... watch out!"
According to historians, this level of saber-rattling among the citizens of Greenland had not been seen since the uprising of 1814, when a militia of brave fishermen constructed fish catapults to rebel against Norwegian rule. "Few peoples can match the ferocity of Greenlanders," said historian Ingrid Bengtsson. "Any hostile force will be met with swift retaliation. Most of it being snow and fish-related."
At publishing time, World War III was officially declared after Vice President Vance was ambushed and pelted with a dozen snowballs.
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