By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-11-26 17:10:19 | Updated at 2024-11-26 20:03:05
2 hours ago
STEUBENVILLE, OH — Modern-minded parishioners of St. Peter's, a church connected to a Benedictine monastery, were pleased to hear that the monks would begin offering a second Sunday service with upbeat contemporary chants.
According to Brother Ambrose, a spokesmonk for the church, the second Sunday service would be held at the unprecedentedly late hour of 7:30, rather than the traditional 5:00 early morning service.
"The liturgical changes are going to be a bit jarring, but I'm sure that people will be able to adjust," said Brother Ambrose. "We're going to try some new things — like venturing into a major key or even adding a second melody line. We're going out on a limb here to cater to the musical preferences of the modern world... or at least be as modern as Gregorian monk chants can be. Of course, we'll keep everything in Latin sicut erat in principio, but we're really hoping this second service will spice things up for today's seekers."
The new Sunday service was not the only novelty the brothers added in recent years. Anonymous reports indicated that Brother Frederico was still recovering from the shock he suffered when the monastery switched to using hymnals rather than making everyone just memorize the service like they used to in the "good old days."
At publishing time, several parishioners at St. Peter's had complained about the lack of reverence displayed by the new late service, with some new female attendees wearing clothing that exposed their ankles and wrists.
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