By The Daily Caller (Opinion) | Created at 2024-11-27 18:43:26 | Updated at 2024-11-27 21:44:40
3 hours ago
November 27, 2024 12:57 PM ET
Note: This is a satirical piece.
It has been an epic year for us humor/opinion writers. At this point, I give thanks to those buffoons, reprobates, scalawags, the demented and DEI disasters who made my job easier in 2024. All I’ve had to do was read the newspaper out loud on stage to get laughs.
-AAA predicts that 80 million Americans are taking to the roads with their families to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. Here’s a great way to not have to buy them a Christmas present: Talk politics at Thanksgiving dinner after a couple of drinks.
– Joe Biden pardoned two Thanksgiving turkeys in the traditional White House ceremony. Their names were Hunter Indictment Count One and Hunter Indictment Count Two.
-Biden seems to be happy Trump won, but he really needs to curb his excitement. Kamala and Karine Jean-Pierre have twice had to ask him to stop doing the Trump dance in staff meetings.
-Biden okay’d shooting our missiles into Russia as he rides herd over an international mess of our making. He needs to reel in Antony Blinken’s State Department and the CIA. They need to get back to their core mission: ham-handedly interfering in other countries that will undoubtedly lead us into our next unnecessary war.
-Building on his Ukraine/Gaza/Israel war success, Biden is thinking of arming the south sides of both Chicago and Atlanta with AK-47’s, you know, to end the violence in those cities.
– The PC police are on the ropes with Trump returning to D.C. The Washington Commanders are trying to change their name back to the Redskins. Fed Ex, which sponsors Washington’s NFL stadium, seems to be on board. I’m glad it’s not United Parcel Service (UPS). “What can brown do for you?” just gets us back to where all this race stuff started.
-College edu-crats continue to diminish the value proposition of a college education by running up costs, stifling opposing free speech and espousing liberal dogma. They don’t want to be “judged.” They even abandoned a college rating system based on cost and quality of education. Now we are back to the rating system we have always used: the College Football Playoff rankings and the quality of their sororities.
-The Langone Medical center at NYU concluded a study showing human brains remain working for a short time after death. This explains why Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, Dianne Feinstein and Joe Biden stayed in office so long.
-I am thankful that RFK Jr. is going to help Make America Healthy Again by running HHS and holding big pharma and food to account. He is healthy himself and is determined to be the first Kennedy to die of natural causes.
-Beloved comic Jay Leno is okay after suffering bruises to his face in LA. No one knows what happened, but fighting Mike Tyson has been ruled out as the reason.
-SMU and Vanderbilt had great college football seasons and are on the bubble to get in the College Football Playoffs. I predict the players will get in after their parents make a few calls.
-Let’s be thankful the stock market made record highs. Yes, President Biden and VP Harris ran an envy-driven, business-hating, socialist-leaning administration, intent on destroying capitalism. But since they are so inept, they couldn’t do it.
-Let’s all be thankful that Elon and Vivek will be tasked with getting rid of waste in federal government. Any D.C. government workers who would like to help are asked to tender their resignations by Jan. 20th.
-Thankfully, the drought in California ended, mostly due to normalized seasonal rains but also from all the tears of Left Coast libs when Trump was reelected.
On this Thanksgiving I’d like to point out that the Puritans followed the religion of John Calvin and the economics of John Locke, and my ancestor John Hart who signed the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Hooker was the Puritan theologian who dissented. It all now makes sense: America was founded on a dispute between three Johns and a Hooker.
Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist, an award-winning author, and a frequent guest on TV and radio. He can be contacted @RonaldHart on X.
The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the Daily Caller.
