By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2025-03-20 19:12:28 | Updated at 2025-04-05 18:14:15
2 weeks ago
If you're going through a breakup and can't seem to just get over it, you're not alone.
'It is typical to frequently think about an ex in the months following a romantic break up. This is because a relationship becomes part of our identity,' DatingAdvice.com relationship expert Dr. Wendy Walsh told the DailyMail.com
A relationship can oftentimes become a part of our identities - so when you're newly single, you can feel unstable.
This is because relationships can make you intertwined with a person more than you think.
'When two people form a secure attachment, they begin to function as “one brain.” They unknowingly divvy up the thinking work, the emotional work and more obviously, the physical labor of life,' Dr. Walsh explained.
So when one of those partner leaves, it can almost feel like you lost half of you.
But has it been months since your breakup and you still find yourself constantly thinking about your ex no matter what it is you're doing?
Dr. Walsh explained that this could be the symptom of an anxious attachment style - a mechanism you most likely developed early on in life.
Dr. Wendy Walsh explained that aside from going no-contact, it's important to stay away from places and people that remind you of your ex
'It is partly genetic and partly reflection of how our earliest caregivers responded to our needs. People with an anxious attachment style fear abandonment and will do anything to keep a partner near,' Dr. Walsh said.
After a breakup, people with anxious attachment styles usually feel devastated - and it has less to do with their actual partner and more to do with their own emotions.
But Dr. Walsh emphasizes that it's important to give yourself grace if a breakup is hitting you extra hard.
'Break ups can create fertile ground to grow. When you’re hurting the most, you’re often growing the most,' she said.
She explained that you shouldn't go through this process alone - instead, it's important to get help from a licensed therapist who can guide you through this process.
And there are things you can do on your own if you're finally ready to kick your ex to the curb in your head.
'The most important thing that someone must do after a break up is go no contact,' Dr. Walsh says.
This means unfollowing (or even blocking them) on social media, but it also means changing coffee shops, dry cleaners, and your favorite hang-out spots if there's even the chance of running into your ex or being reminded of your ex.
People with anxious attachment styles often feel devastated after breakups, and it's usually about their own emotions rather than their ex (stock image)
Dr. Walsh said that it's extremely important that your brain be free from places that might stir up old and fond memories of your ex.
Next, you should hyper-focus on all of the worst qualities in your ex.
'There’s actually research to support this idea,' Dr. Walsh said.
'When you put on a set of rose-colored glasses and look back fondly, only of the good times, your feelings of loss and longing will last longer.
'But instead, do an inventory of all the things that bothered you about them, all the things they did wrong, all the ways they hurt you, and keep rehearsing that laundry list in your head. This will help your brain heal faster.'
And unfortunately, you also might want to rethink your friend group.
Dr. Walsh explained that if you're still hanging out with people that you and your ex would hang out with together, you're keeping yourself in the mode of 'half of a couple.'
'It’s important that you meet new friends and even date new people so you can grow a new sense of individuality,' she said.
