I discovered my girlfriend's sickening intimate secret in her diary... I'll never be able to unsee it: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

I have completely betrayed my girlfriend and I don't know if I should come clean.

We just started dating. So, to do her a favor, I was at her apartment the other day while she was at work and decided to pick up the place. While I was organizing the bedroom, however, I made a shocking discovery tucked away in her bedside table: her diary.

And, admittedly, I read it. I know I should not have - it's private, and she is entitled to that - but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know more about her.

But I think I learned too much.

I read all about her last relationship - in excruciating detail - and the guys she briefly dated before meeting me. But there was one entry that I don't think I'll ever be able to unsee.

It was about me.

Written a few days after our third date, she said that I was so nice and handsome, but that she was unsure about pursuing something serious with me.

That night, we had also slept together for the first time and, while I'll spare the details, let's just say her description of it (and me, specifically) was less than flattering. In fact, she compared me unfavorably to how 'mind-blowing' the sex with her ex was.

A few entries later, she wrote that she was glad she kept seeing me because she does like me more than she initially thought. However, I don't know that I can completely forget what she said about me. 

I totally see her differently now, knowing that she wasn't 'sold' on me at first and that my bedroom skills are subpar, but I can't bear to tell her what I've done.

I really like her, and want to stay with her, but I don't know how to move past this.

Sincerely,

Diary Indiscretion

Dear Diary Indiscretion,

It is a terrible idea to read someone’s diary. The same goes for sneaking looks at their texts or what's on their computer. 

It is a huge breach of trust. You are invading someone’s privacy, and in the case of a diary, their innermost thoughts and feelings that they will never say out loud.

Trying to justify it by saying you wanted to know more about her is really no justification. It was an enormous betrayal, and you are now realizing the unintended consequence. 

In what may feel like a great karmic joke, you have been hoisted by your own petard.

Don’t ever go through your girlfriend’s private thoughts again; not just because of the privacy, but because you are reading something entirely out of context. 

For all you know she is now delighted by what’s going on in the bedroom. But you can’t ask.

You can, however, ask her what she wants in the bedroom. Ask her what turns her on. Ask her what you can do to improve. Tell her your own wants and needs. 

I know your ego is bruised, and while I want to tell you this serves you right, I also recognize how painful it must have been to hear. Luckily, there are easy ways to change that. 

There is no shame in being open about your sex life, nor is there any shame in her finding your performance less than she expected. 

Sex lives can always be improved if we introduce honest communication, willingness and an element of playfulness.

Dear Jane,

My friend of many years had a destination wedding a few weeks ago that cost my me and my husband thousands of dollars to attend.

Between flights, a hotel room, food and outfits for the big day, our bank accounts were drained.

As such, we didn't get my friend a wedding gift and, since one is not usually expected when guests have to travel for the ceremony, we didn't think anything of it.

She apparently did not get the memo. I received an angry text from her the other day accusing me of being a 'bad friend' because I didn't get her a gift. She said it was disrespectful and rude to come to a wedding, enjoy everything she paid for, and not at least get her something small.

It is worth noting that she doesn't need these gifts - she is incredibly wealthy, which was all the more reason I thought she wouldn't mind.

I was shocked to say the least, considering how much I spent just to attend. But when I tried explaining this to her, she said that if I couldn't afford a gift, I should not have come at all.

Now, she isn't speaking to me at all, despite my attempts at apologizing.

I don't know how to mend this friendship - or whether I want to, considering she was so upset over such a trivial thing.

Sincerely,

Bridezilla Bestie

Dear Bridezilla Bestie,

It is understandable why you felt it unnecessary to provide a gift. For some people, gifts are so much more than a gift, but a love language that communicates that they are valued and appreciated.

I know women who adore presents, and their favorite gifts were poems their husbands had written for them or art their children had created. For them it is not about the money, but the thought.

I see both sides of this argument, and understand how both of you feel aggrieved.

Indeed, you have tried to explain, but if she is not willing to accept your apology, there is little that can be done. 

However close you have been in the past, the fact that she is not able to hear your side may be an indication that your friendship is over. Never mind the fact that you think this is trivial - it may be trivial for you, but obviously had a great impact on her.

It can be brutal to accept that not all friendships are supposed to last the distance, that sometimes people come into our lives for only a small part of our journey.

You cannot change how she feels, unless you are inclined to buy a small gift that you know will have meaning for her and hope that she will then see the error of her ways.

It may be healthier, however, for you to come to terms with the fact that you cannot make people love nor forgive you. 

As uncomfortable as it may be, this friendship may need a break. If the two of you are supposed to find your way back to one another, you will.