By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2024-12-14 14:07:35 | Updated at 2024-12-25 00:59:17
1 week ago
An expert psychologist has revealed what narcissists really mean when they say the words 'I love you'.
Writing in Psychology Today, Dr Elinor Greenberg warned that both men and women with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) do not mean the same thing as most people when they say the three special words everyone wants to hear.
According to Dr Greenberg, what the narcissist actually means is: 'I love my fantasies about you'.
Dr Greenberg, who specialises in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of narcissistic adaptations, writes: 'The unfortunate truth is that narcissists do not really fall in love with people.
'They fall in love with their projections of whomever they currently idealise as the perfect mate.'
Although narcissists do a fine job of coming across as the besotted lover when a relationship is fresh, it cannot last as this is based on a fantasy, according to the specialist.
In reality, the love you receive from someone who meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will be fleeting as their affection is dependent on how well you are matching their carefully constructed expectations.
'Real people have flaws,' Dr Greenberg pens. 'Once narcissists stop trying to impress you long enough to get to know you, they eventually become disappointed because you are a real person.'
An expert psychologist has revealed that narcissists don't fall in love with you but rather the idea of you (Stock Image)
In her article, Dr Greenberg goes on to reveal several more shocking truths about narcissistic love.
She warns that when a partner with narcissistic traits discovers that you do not perfectly embody their fantasy, they will start to suggest ways you should change.
This is what Dr Greenberg calls 'the construction project'.
If you refuse to make the suggested improvements, your partner will start lashing out and fights will ensue.
Even if you try to take their suggestions onboard, nothing will ever be as good as it is in their mind because narcissists tend to be perfectionists.
Dr Greenberg then suggests that as narcissists become increasingly frustrated with your so-called flaws, their charm will vanish and a process called 'devaluing' will begin.
When their fantasy falls apart, they will start to take it out on you by making demeaning comments that may attack your appearance, character or intelligence.
When a narcissist's fantasy falls apart, they will take it out on you and make demeaning comments (Stock Image)
The final step? Narcissists abandon you - whether that is physically, emotionally or both.
With emotional abandonment, your partner may not formally leave the relationship but they will make it clear that they no longer care about your wellbeing.
At this stage, a narcissist may flirt with other people right in front of you or even start cheating on you with someone else.
Narcissists eventually tend to flee from relationships. They will have no problem packing up their belongings and vanishing.
The harsh reality, according to Dr Greenberg, is that you are like an old toy and they will go off in search of someone new 'who has not yet become tarnished by reality'.
Dr Greenberg's comments come after a leading clinical psychologist in narcissism, Dr Ramani Durvasula, explained how you can tell if the person in your life is in fact narcissistic, or just 'toxic'.
Speaking in a YouTube video that's been viewed over 50,000 times, she said that it does 'no one any favours' when the word narcissism is used 'where it doesn't apply'.
She then explained the difference between 'toxic' and 'narcissistic'.
To label someone a narcissist, the person must exhibit a number of specific traits - and lack other ones - which, in turn, lead to specific behaviours.
Toxicity, however, is 'subjective'. In other words, a trait or behaviour that one person finds toxic could be perfectly acceptable to someone else.
Dr Ramani says: 'Toxic is subjective. Some things bother us based on our histories, our families of origin, our experiences in the world, our beliefs and our own quirks'.
However, none of those things matter with a narcissist as narcissism isn't a matter of perception.
Rather, 'it is a much more definable personality style based on the accumulation of looking at a person’s behaviour'.
Another key difference between narcissists and toxic people is what motivates them, with narcissists craving 'control and power'.
And, while a narcissistic person is beset with 'insecurity and shame', a toxic person may not have 'a psychological storm inside them'.
Finally, toxic and narcissistic people (and relationships) affect us in vastly different ways, with narcissistic relationships having more 'far-reaching effects'.
Dr Ramani adds: ‘Toxic people may be annoying [and] even upsetting at times but maybe not as universally harmful [as narcissists].'
What is the narcissistic abuse cycle and how does it work?
According to psychologists, the narcissistic abuse cycle broadly takes the form of three-to-four stages. These are:
1. Idealise
Once a narcissist has latched on to a new form of supply, they will pursue them vigorously, showering them with affection to ensure they can secure their source of supply.
They will 'love-bomb' and throw praise upon the new object of their affections to hook them in.
They may use the word 'love' early on in the relationship and suggest their victim is their 'soul mate'.
2. Devalue
Once the narcissist is sure their new form of supply is hooked and unlikely to go anywhere, their attitude towards that person changes and the words of affection stop.
The narcissist will become cold and uncaring, and in many cases, will tell their victim things that make them feel inadequate.
They may pick at the person's appearance or personality, which gradually chips away at their confidence and leaves them feeling incredibly confused.
3. Discard
This is when the narcissist decides they want to find a new form of supply and breaks up with their vicitim.
Many victims of narcissistic abuse may feel that the relationship has been ended very suddenly and in a cold, hurtful way.
Often, they will put the blame on the victim, telling them they are 'crazy' and making them feel small.
They will enact a smear campaign to leave their victim feeling as low and broken as possible, which can leave them with severe mental health implications.
4. Hoover
This stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle does not always occur, but can happen in many cases.
It happens when the narcissist makes attempts to bring their victim back into their life after a period of distance.
In order to suck their victim back in, they will tug on their heartstrings and turn the charm back on.
They may find a random excuse to get in touch so they can be back in contact with the victim.
If the victim decides to give the narcissist another chance, the likelihood is the cycle begins all over again.
Sources: Psychology Today, Narcissistic Abuse Support
