I thought what I did for my boyfriend was normal... but now my friends won't stop whispering about our dirty secret: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My love language is acts of service.  I love doing things around the house to help my boyfriend, whether that's helping with dishes, tidying up or doing things that will make his life easier.

While some women may find this a turn off, I always thought it was normal – something that you should do for someone you love.

That is, until I told my friends about what kinds of other chores I do for him.

You see, my friends and I talk about everything in our lives and our relationships.

One of my friends was complaining about picking up after her boyfriend and doing his laundry, and I casually let slip that I happily do both – dirty socks and all. What's more, I do this almost every day.

They were appalled, saying that I shouldn't be acting like his 'mom.'

In fact, they went so far as to say I should leave him for it – that I should be with an adult who can take care of things like that himself.

After seeing their reaction, I was mortified that I had exposed this intimate thing in our relationship. 

Weeks later, it's still the punchline in all of their jokes. They constantly bring it up, calling my boyfriend 'childish' and making fun of him.

I'm distraught. I love him very much, and I want my friends to like him too, but I fear that I've accidentally disclosed something I probably should've kept a secret. 

Sincerely,

Dirty Secret

Dear Dirty Secret,

It's easy to feel that we can tell our friends everything about our lives, ask for their opinions or guidance, and look to them for support. 

But our friends, however much we love them, are bringing their own opinions, experiences and judgments to the table, and our secrets are never as safe as we think they are. 

Nor is their advice necessarily wise, or correct - which is why everyone needs a therapist. 

In this case, you didn't expose a secret, but something you enjoy doing for your boyfriend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you doing that if it makes both you and your boyfriend happy. 

Just because your friends wouldn't do it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it, and I can see how their judgment, and slight derision, would make you uncomfortable.

It's important that you tell them how uncomfortable you are when they make fun of you and call your boyfriend childish, and request that they stop. Friends respect boundaries and change their behavior when they have – deliberately or inadvertently – hurt someone they love. 

If they are the friends you hope they are, they will understand and will stop bringing it up. And perhaps, going forward, you might think twice before sharing anything intimate with them.

Dear Jane,

I am increasingly worried about my husband.

We're in our sixties and have been married for 20 years, and lately, something has changed about him.

He's become much more forgetful. He doesn't remember important plans that we make, where he puts things or conversations we had. He's also much more irritable, especially in the evenings.

I did some research on these symptoms, along with some of the others I think he might be showing, and I got the same result: all signs point to dementia.

The worst part is, I don't think he realizes anything might be wrong, and he's extremely averse towards doctor visits of any kind.

My friends say I should sit him down and tell him, but I keep imagining how scary this will be for him – and worry he may lash out or be defensive. The last thing I want is to make him anxious.

Should I keep my concerns to myself, or find a way to convince him to see a doctor?

Sincerely,

Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

You have every right to be worried.

It would seem that the symptoms you are describing are significant, particularly the increased irritability in the evenings – known as sundown syndrome. They absolutely need medical evaluation.

It is completely understandable that you are worried about his reaction, but keeping these concerns to yourself will not stop these symptoms progressing. In fact, the earlier the intervention with any kind of cognitive decline, the better the outcome.

Using the word 'dementia' or 'Alzheimer's' may be very frightening for him. Better for you to focus on his physical health, or organize what you can pass off as a routine check up. 

If you need the doctor to call him in, I'm sure you can arrange it so it doesn't look like it is coming from you. In fact, it's entirely plausible for people in their sixties for your doctor to do a standard baseline check.

Perhaps you suggest both doing it together. If you have to resort to extreme measures, you can always say your insurance provider is insisting upon it.

It's imperative that you contact the doctor and share your concerns. Ask your doctor to be discreet, to bring up cognitive screening as a standard part of the annual exam for everyone this age.

Be creative if you have to, discuss this in the mornings, never in the evenings, and talk with your healthcare provider once the results are in to figure out a plan going forward.