I was devastated when my father abandoned me — yet liberals make excuses for broken homes

A child growing up in a broken home automatically puts them at a disadvantage. Studies across the board show that children of two-parent families have a better chance of success in education, in business . . . in life. Yet too often, society doesn’t do enough to encourage these unions, even saying it doesn’t matter. In his new book, “The Children We Left Behind: How Western Culture Rationalizes Family Separation & Ignores The Pain Of Child Neglect,” Adam B. Coleman explains how this is a terrible mistake of selfishness. An excerpt:

Why didn’t my father love me? Why did my father abandon me? 

Why didn’t he show me how to become a man? Why wasn’t my father around to wipe away the tears that streamed down my face when I felt lost in this world and hated what I was becoming?

What was wrong with me? 

Why was seeing me a couple of times a year satisfactory to him? Why would he always choose to leave in the middle of the night and never hug me goodbye? 

Did my life ever matter to him? 

Why did my father reject his only son? 

Because my father is dead, there is no possibility of obtaining satisfactory answers to these questions. He neglected to establish a relationship with me, so these questions remain unanswered.

Unfortunately, I’m far from the only child in America to possess these unanswered questions about one or both parents, who left them behind to fend for themselves, questioning the purpose of their existence. 

Growing prosperity and a greater emphasis on individualism in our country have led to a cultural decline in our willingness to make sacrifices. In this widespread aversion to living sacrificially, it is our children that suffer the most. 

With this attitude of selfishness and individualism abounding, what America needs more now than anything is better parents.

But selfish parents not only exist in our circles of family and friends but are also prominent figures who hypnotize the public with excuses for their neglect of their children to avoid scrutiny.

You’re not supposed to talk about these uncomfortable problems of family breakdown in the public eye. Everyone gets angry if you bring to light your family’s darkness. You weigh the risk of losing them with the hope of finding a resolution to your pain. 

“Just leave it alone” is what they advise you. But the longer you say nothing, the worse you feel. When you dare to bring up those haunting, unpleasant memories, they look at you like something is wrong with you.

This culture of silence and excuses is pervasive in our society, where adults are allowed to behave like impulsive children, chasing every whimsical desire, while children are expected to respond to parental failures with the maturity of adults.

If, like me, you dare to ask questions about how you were raised and why you were abandoned, a litany of excuses comes at you fast from adults:

“Your father was young…”

“He was of a different generation…”

“Well, in his culture, it’s normal…”

No matter how unsatisfactory the responses, you’re expected to understand and accept it for what it is despite never receiving that same level of grace.

If you were a child left behind like me, you have every reason to be angry, disappointed, and frustrated with how you were ignored by your blood and suffered the consequences of someone else’s choices.

You’re not crazy for wanting some accountability from one or both of the people who created you, and you’re not a bad person for not wanting to live in the darkness anymore.

Our culture encourages playing cover for parental failures and as long as you don’t carry visible bruises, our parents expect constant praise since you didn’t die in their custody.

The kids aren’t the only ones who want participation trophies; parents do, too, nowadays. They want a pat on the back for doing what they’re supposed to do. Should we also congratulate them for feeding their child enough times that they didn’t starve?

These are the same parents who are supposed to teach their children to be accountable but simultaneously avoid accountability when they fail to meet their obligations.

Becoming an adult used to include the understanding that you’re no longer a child, but now it means that adults are allowed to rotate between adulthood and childhood whenever they see fit, constantly making a child’s excuses for an adult’s poor choices. 

Why did your mother choose an obviously flawed man to be your father? Well, she was in love. Accept it, and shut up.

Why did your father not fight for his involvement in your life? Well, it was hard to achieve at the time, so he gave up. Accept it, and move on.

Why did your parents decide to split your family instead of resolving their petty differences? Well, they weren’t happy. The child’s happiness isn’t on the table to be discussed, though.

Here is what is lost today when it comes to family formation and parenting: The single most important duty of parents is the preparedness to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of their children. That includes sacrificing their pride. 

Abandoned children like me are constantly faced with an unfair choice of either saving their sanity or saving their relationships, afraid to wound the pride of the mother or father who left them. 

I have incredible difficulty accepting the mountain of excuses thrown at my feet for my father’s failures. From a very young age, I was withdrawn from my father and outwardly disinterested in him. Because of this, he remained at arm’s length from me. But as far back as I can remember, I wanted my father in my life, just not the version I was getting.

What I received was a man who seemed uncomfortable around me and didn’t try more than what was convenient to him. I had a father who appeared to speak to me out of formality rather than with genuine curiosity. Worst of all, I had a father who was nowhere to be found or heard from at the worst moments of my childhood.

If you love someone, you’ll sacrifice for them. Children inherently understand this aspect of relational love.

I am now a father to a beautiful young man. When my son first opened his eyes to the world, I knew that my sole objective was to improve myself and my circumstances so my son could reap the rewards. I was determined not to let abandonment become a family curse that passed from one generation to the next. 

Nothing has brought me as much joy as watching my son grow into an even greater man than I am today. He is the better version of me, someone I’m immensely proud of. I know that the world is better with him in it.

I know that parenting can be incredibly difficult and stressful, but it is worth it. Sometimes people think children expect perfect parents when all they truly want is parents who try their best and don’t give up on them. I say this as someone who is still nursing that abandoned child inside of me. My father didn’t have to be perfect. I just wanted to know that I mattered to him. A child shouldn’t have to fight to prove their worth to you.

I’d encourage America’s parents to take a good hard look at their lives: Are you doing all that you can to make your children the priority? Are you there for them physically, mentally, and emotionally? 

Our children are our disciples and a reflection of our parental curriculum. How we treat them and what we teach them directly affects their likelihood of success in the world.

The key is to find a balance between catering to your children and everything else while recognizing that your children should always be your priority.

Parents, know this: You are going to make mistakes and you might get the balance wrong every so often. But consistent effort to stabilize your relationship with your children will override any errors you make along the way.