Is your lover's selfishness a sign of something sinister? Sexpert KIKI MAREE reveals the seven traits of a sexual narcissist

Navigating relationships is tricky enough in 2024, but when you find yourself entangled with a sexual narcissist, the situation becomes far more complicated. 

These individuals can be charming and irresistible at first, but their self-absorbed and manipulative behaviour can wreak havoc on your emotional and sexual wellbeing. 

'Sexual narcissism' is an informal term to describe narcissistic traits exhibited specifically on an intimate level. It is separate to the formally diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), however the two often come hand in hand.

It's important to clarify that we all have narcissistic tendencies to some degree, which is quite different from NPD. 

While it's possible to work through certain tendencies with self-awareness and a willingness to change, in cases where there's a refusal to acknowledge harmful behaviours - especially when there's abuse involved - walking away from the relationship is the healthiest option.

These are the seven signs you might be dating a sexual narcissist - and what you can do about it before it goes any further. 

1. It's all about their pleasure 

Sexual narcissists are hyper-focused on their own pleasure and have little regard for yours. If your partner frequently dismisses your needs, skips foreplay, or insists on acts that only satisfy them, this could be a major red flag. Your comfort and satisfaction should be just as important.

What to do: Communicate clearly about your needs and desires. If they show little to no willingness to compromise or change, it may be time to reassess the relationship.

2. They criticise your performance 

A sexual narcissist often belittles their partner's sexual abilities or appearance to maintain control and feel superior. These criticisms can leave you feeling inadequate and insecure, even if there's no truth to their comments.

What to do: Remember, the criticisms are a reflection of their own insecurities, not your worth. If these comments are damaging your self-esteem, consider seeking professional support to rebuild your confidence and explore whether the relationship is healthy for you.

3. They expect sex on demand 

If your partner constantly expects you to be ready for sex whenever they want it, without considering your mood or consent, they are displaying narcissistic tendencies. A healthy sexual relationship involves mutual respect for each other's boundaries and desires.

What to do: Set clear boundaries. Your partner should respect your right to say no, and if they don't, this is a serious sign that the relationship is unhealthy.

4. They ignore your needs outside of the bedroom 

Sexual narcissists often treat their partners with indifference outside of the bedroom, focusing solely on the sexual relationship. If your partner shows little interest in your emotional wellbeing, hobbies, or life outside of sex, it's likely they are more concerned with satisfying their own ego than building a balanced connection.

What to do: Pay attention to how your partner behaves outside the bedroom. A healthy relationship requires emotional intimacy, not just physical. If they can't or won't connect emotionally, it may be time to move on.

5. They refuse to take responsibility 

A sexual narcissist is quick to blame their partner for any problems in the relationship, especially when it comes to sex. They may accuse you of not being adventurous enough or claim you're the reason they're dissatisfied. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions or shortcomings.

What to do: Don't accept blame for their behaviour. A healthy relationship involves shared responsibility for its success. If they won't acknowledge their role, it's a major sign that they won't change.

6. They use sex as a weapon  

In some cases, sexual narcissists may withhold sex as a form of punishment or use it to manipulate you into doing what they want. This toxic dynamic can make you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells.

What to do: Recognise that this is a form of emotional manipulation. No one should use intimacy as a bargaining chip or control tactic. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to break free from this manipulation.

7. They brag about their sexual conquests  

Sexual narcissists are often preoccupied with their sexual 'achievements,' boasting about past partners or exaggerating their prowess. This behaviour is a form of validation-seeking, as they use their sexual history to boost their self-esteem at your expense.

What to do: Confront your partner about how their behaviour makes you feel. If they dismiss your concerns, this is a clear sign they prioritise their ego over your feelings, and it may be best to walk away.

Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, emotional connection, and shared pleasure - anything less is a disservice to your wellbeing.

Emily's story: 'Jack destroyed my self esteem'

As told to Kiki Maree: 

Emily, a 32-year-old Australian marketing professional, was swept off her feet by Jack's charm and confidence when they first met at a mutual friend's party. Their relationship moved quickly and within a few weeks Emily felt as though she had found someone who truly valued her. 

Their physical chemistry was intense and Jack often complimented her on her looks. This initially boosted her self-esteem and made her feel on top of the world.

However, as the honeymoon phase started to fade, Emily noticed that Jack's compliments became fewer, and his criticism more frequent. He would make offhand comments about her body, saying things like, 'You'd look even better if you worked out more' or 'You're lucky I'm not into skinny girls'.

During sex he frequently ignored her needs, focusing only on what brought him pleasure. If Emily ever brought up the lack of foreplay or her dissatisfaction, Jack would laugh it off or become defensive, accusing her of being 'high maintenance', and say that none of his past lovers had any complaints. He would even sometimes blame Emily's sexual dissatisfaction on her history of sexual abuse. 

Over time, Jack began demanding sex more frequently, often at inconvenient times for Emily. If she wasn't in the mood or felt too tired after a long day at work, he would sulk, complain or guilt-trip her, saying things like, 'I don't know why you're so distant, most women would kill to have a man as attentive as I am'. Emily felt pressured to meet his demands, even when she didn't feel like it, out of fear of him becoming emotionally distant or angry. 

In addition to his sexual demands, Jack started to belittle Emily in other aspects of her life. He rarely asked about her day or showed interest in her personal life unless it related to how she could benefit him socially or sexually. His focus was almost entirely on how she could enhance his image or satisfy his desires. 

Despite these red flags, Emily held onto hope that Jack could change. She believed that if they could work through their issues, Jack would learn to be more understanding and considerate of her emotional and physical needs. She was willing to work through the difficulties and had multiple conversations where she tried to communicate her feelings and needs. 

Seeking professional help, Emily began seeing a therapist who introduced her to the concept of sexual narcissism. With the therapist's guidance, Emily tried different communication techniques to improve their relationship, including 'I' statements, boundary-setting, and asking for compromise in a non-confrontational way. She carefully prepared for these conversations, staying calm and avoiding accusations, as her therapist had suggested. 

During one of their talks, Emily said, 'I feel unheard and unsatisfied when we only focus on your pleasure. I need more balance in our sex life so that I feel valued too'. Jack would listen briefly, but instead of acknowledging her concerns, he turned the conversation back to himself, saying, 'You're being too sensitive. This isn't a big deal. You should appreciate how much I actually do care'. He dismissed her feelings repeatedly, and over time, Emily saw that he wasn't willing to make any meaningful changes. 

The turning point came during a weekend getaway meant to rekindle their relationship. Jack spent most of the trip on his phone, bragging about his sexual conquests with ex-partners to their friends during a group dinner. He downplayed Emily's discomfort, saying, 'You're just jealous because they were more adventurous than you'. That night, Emily realised she had been walking on eggshells for months, constantly trying to please Jack at the expense of her own happiness. 

When Emily returned home, she brought her concerns about the holiday to her therapist in order to unpack what she was experiencing. Her therapist helped her see that, despite her best efforts, Jack's narcissistic tendencies left little room for real growth or connection. The relationship had become emotionally manipulative and coercive, and Jack wasn't interested in meeting her halfway. 

Empowered with the way the therapist had framed her experience, Emily began setting even firmer boundaries with Jack. She stopped engaging in sexual activities that didn't bring her joy and refused to let his manipulative tactics make her feel guilty for saying no. 

Jack's reaction was immediate. He became cold, distant, and lashed out at her, accusing her of being selfish and uncaring. Instead of backing down, Emily decided to leave the relationship, prioritising her emotional and sexual wellbeing over his demands. 

In the months following their breakup, Emily worked with her therapist to rebuild her self-esteem and process the emotional toll the relationship had taken. 

She now understands the importance of mutual respect, emotional connection, and shared pleasure in a healthy relationship. Today, Emily is more confident in her ability to recognise red flags and establish boundaries, ensuring her future relationships are built on equality and respect.