By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-18 20:50:15 | Updated at 2026-09-18 21:29:37
40 minutes ago
COLUMBUS, OH — Local man Greg Gentry reportedly spent Friday morning mentally and physically preparing to perform a lobotomy on himself after his four-year-old daughter discovered the children's television franchise Blippi.
According to sources within the home, the incident began at approximately 10:15 AM when Gentry's daughter, Clara, selected a video featuring a grown man in an orange bow tie leaping through an indoor playground while giggling at high-pitched frequencies.
By 10:30 AM, Gentry had decided the sweet release of home brain surgery would be a suitable alternative to listening to the sound any longer.
"I did some quick research on my phone," Gentry muttered quietly. "A swift, downward thrust should sever the prefrontal cortex. That's my only way out of this. I've considered all my options… this is the best one."
Gentry's wife attempted to intervene by offering him noise-canceling headphones, but he politely declined, saying that would only solve the problem until he inevitably took the headphones off.
At publishing time, Gentry was seen sitting motionless at the kitchen table, holding the spoon at eye level while Blippi enthusiastically spelled the word "garbage truck" for the seventh consecutive time.
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