By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-06-17 17:20:20 | Updated at 2026-06-17 19:38:13
2 hours ago
NEW YORK, NY — MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, reportedly infuriated by news of ball players defiling their pride hats with Bible verses, has ordered anyone who refuses to bow to the pride flag be cast into the fiery furnace.
In response to players being uninterested in who sleeps with whom, Manfred mandated the construction of a massive 90 foot pride flag at every ball park and ordered anyone who refuses to kneel before it during the seventh inning stretch be cast into the fire.
According to an official press release: "You are commanded, O players, that when you hear 'Take Me Out To The Ball Game', you are to fall down and worship the pride flag that Commissioner Manfred has set up. And whoever does not fall down and worship shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace."
Giants pitchers Landen Roupp, JT Brubaker, Ryan Walker, and Sam Hentges defied previous celebrations of gay homosexual pride by either altering their pride hats with Bible verses or refusing to wear the pride hat entirely. Manfred, seeing this as a potential risk to his dreams of a politicized MLB, assembled his satraps, owners, executives, managers, and ball boys to determine the best course of action.
"O commissioner, live forever! Fire is the great purifier," advised Dodgers Senior Vice President of Marketing Erik Braverman. "Let them be burned so that diversity may rise from the ashes!"
Sources confirm, however, that Roupp has no plans to bow to the pride flag. "The only flag I acknowledge is the American flag," he said. "And for that, I only remove my hat."
At publishing time, the Texas Rangers have reportedly offered asylum to any athlete who thinks it's weird to celebrate gay sex.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
