By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-18 18:50:26 | Updated at 2025-03-20 15:53:22
1 day ago
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS — In a stunning development, the International Criminal Court (ICC) has reportedly filed charges against Nintendo Co., Ltd. for crimes against humanity, citing the severe offense of not porting The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker to the Nintendo Switch.
According to sources, the case was referred to the ICC by the UN Security Council over concerns that they could not play one of the greatest games of all time. "Why doesn't Nintendo want our money?" the council reportedly argued.
The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker is a 2002 video game originally released for the Nintendo GameCube to critical acclaim. It marks a pivotal moment for the Zelda franchise, introducing once-polarizing concepts such as cel-shading that are now considered a high point for the long-running series.
"I was happiest in life when sailing across a flooded Hyrule, or playing through Tower Of The Gods. That was a 10 out of 10 dungeon," said ICC Judge Gunther Hoekstra. "Removing this work of art from the public is the same as murder. No, it's worse."
Though the ICC is not a proponent of forced labor or slavery, the court argued that the inability of law-abiding citizens to play The Wind Waker was akin to demolishing the Pyramids of Giza. "If I want to play The Wind Waker I have to dig up an old GameCube, or worse, a Wii U to play it, but if I dare emulate it on modern hardware I go to game piracy jail?" said ICC President Viktor Kiriakis. "Why not just spit on my grave?"
At publishing time, executives at Nintendo Co., Ltd. ignored subpoenas to appear before the ICC and suffered no consequences because the ICC can't really do anything anyway.
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