By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-01-31 17:10:18 | Updated at 2025-01-31 21:10:40
4 hours ago
U.S. — With investigators still looking into the cause of the latest deadly catastrophe, a preliminary report confirmed that the tragedy was the fault of whichever political party you don't like.
Authorities were still putting together the pieces of what caused the incident. Still, sources close to the investigation disclosed that the political party you view as the enemy was absolutely to blame for what happened.
"We are confident that this tragic event was caused by the party you're opposed to," said one insider. "Even though the details are still sketchy and we're working around the clock to get to the bottom of exactly what took place, everyone can be fully assured that the opposing political party bears the full weight of this devastating accident."
Even before the dust had settled on the catastrophic event, political leaders from both parties rushed to make statements pointing out how the other side was entirely to blame for the horrible tragedy.
"This is what happens when Republicans are put in charge," one top Democrat said. "We are now seeing the tragic results of putting our nation's fate in Republican hands."
"It's the policies of the previous Democratic leadership that led to this," a Republican responded. "We promise the American people that we will work tirelessly to fix all the problems caused by the opposing party."
At publishing time, experts marveled at the fact that, out of respect for the victims, everyone had waited a full seven seconds before blaming each other for the incident.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
