By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-17 22:00:26 | Updated at 2025-03-18 05:53:28
7 hours ago
Brought to you by: My Patriot Supply
With tense negotiations between Russia and Ukraine still ongoing, many experts have wondered what the sticking points could be that are standing in the way of lasting peace.
Through the use of highly placed international connections, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following sneak peek at Vladimir Putin's list of demands to agree to a ceasefire:
A mint-condition holographic Charizard: Anything less would be an insult to the people of Russia.
All Russian mail-order brides must be sent back: They are to become Russian wives, effective immediately.
Rocky IV must be edited so that Ivan Drago wins: When Drago told Rocky, "You will lose," he was telling the truth.
Trump must give Putin a cool new nickname: He must now be referred to as "The Strong, Virile One."
Ukraine must now be part of Russia on all Risk game boards: The price of peace is not a small one.
Zelenskyy must be forced to become the new mascot for Keebler cookies: He will be required to wear an elf hat and live in an elf tree for the rest of his life.
Ukraine must officially adopt the rainbow Pride Flag as its national flag: Because they're gay.
Donald Trump must relinquish the presidency back to Biden's autopen: Russia's preferred American leader.
He drives a hard bargain, that Vladimir Putin. This doesn't even count his request for royalties for every Moscow Mule served in the U.S. What else should Putin demand? Post them in the comments below.
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