Read Lindsay Clancy's secret diary: Tortured by baby's cries... her devastating four-word admission... and book of 'scary thoughts'

'My mind never shuts off… I don't know what's wrong with me.'

'I want to be well… I feel like I'm drowning.'

Lindsay Clancy's tortured diary entries were revealed in court this week, showing her apparent deterioration in the months leading up to the tragic evening of January 24, 2023, when she strangled her three young children and tried to take her own life.

Across multiple journals, the mother-of-three chronicled her spiraling mental health as she struggled with sleep training her newborn son, caring for her other children and feeling guilty about not spending enough time with her husband Patrick Clancy.

The dozens of entries, read aloud in court on Monday during what has been dubbed 'America's saddest trial,' capped the start of week two of proceedings in Plymouth County Superior Court in Massachusetts.

The former labor and delivery nurse is charged with three counts of first-degree murder in the deaths of Cora, five, Dawson, three, and Callan, eight months, inside the family home in the wealthy coastal suburb of Duxbury.

After strangling the children with exercise bands in the basement, Clancy cut her wrists and neck before jumping from a second-floor window.

The 35-year-old has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, arguing she was suffering from severe postpartum depression and psychosis at the time.

Inside the courtroom on Monday, the stage was set for the key battle at the heart of the case: was Clancy of sound mind, or was she in a state of psychosis when she killed her children?

The defense says she was not of sound mind, pointing to her documented mental health struggles and the rapid succession of psychiatric medications she was prescribed in the months before the killings.

This week, the defense also pointed to the fact she paralyzed herself by jumping out of her window, implying it was a sincere suicide attempt and showed a break from reality.

The prosecution argued Clancy carefully planned the killings and that her apparent suicide attempt was designed to make it appear she had acted while mentally unwell.

They pointed to what they described as 'superficial injuries' to her wrists and neck that they argued were not intended to be fatal.

They have also argued Clancy was only left permanently paralyzed because the frozen ground beneath her window made the impact more severe than she anticipated. Blood stain analysis experts testified that blood was found on the shingles on the outside of the home, below the second floor window - something that could indicate Clancy hung by her arms from the window ledge before dropping to the ground or alternatively could indicate she leant forward out of the window.

The question of postpartum psychosis, and whether the medical staff who treated Clancy believed she was suffering from it, also took center stage.

Jurors heard from one psychiatrist who said Clancy showed no signs of psychosis two days after the killings and revealed that one of the first things the mother-of-three asked for was a lawyer.

By contrast, a nurse revealed that the medical team had discussed Clancy possibly suffering from postpartum psychosis.

Another psychiatrist told jurors that someone experiencing psychosis can still make plans, carry them out and communicate normally with others.

But it was the haunting diary entries that offered the clearest insight yet into Clancy's state of mind in the days, weeks and months before the killings.

Investigators found the journals during a search of the Clancy home, alongside a copy of Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts and information booklets on postpartum anxiety and depression.

There was a brown journal, a Tree of Life journal with a tree-patterned cover and a yellow notebook with 'Callan Patrick Clancy' written across the front, containing a detailed schedule for the couple's youngest son and notes for the nanny.

Clancy's attorney Kevin Reddington, best known for representing mobster James 'Whitey' Bulger's longtime girlfriend Catherine Greig, read the entries one by one to the jury.

In the journal, Clancy described being 'obsessed' with Callan's sleep schedule and overwhelmed with guilt over sleep-training him.

She also described having 'brain fog' and feeling desperate to feel like herself again.

'I now have horrible insomnia and anxiety which is causing depression. I have no appetite, I don't know what's wrong with me. I want help. I want to be well,' read one entry.

'I feel completely disconnected with my baby. I feel like I'm going through the motions every day,' read another.

'I'm really worried about going back to work and not being able to function with the brain fog,' came another.

As Reddington read faster and faster, the veteran defense lawyer emphasized the mounting anxiety and despair reflected in Clancy's writings.

'I'm completely overwhelmed taking care of the three kids. I feel like I'm drowning,' another read.

In one entry, she said of her child: 'Hearing him cry for one hour plus and not intervening just about killed me.' Then came a devastating admission: 'I even said "I want to die" to Pat when he was crying.'

The journals also reveal Clancy's guilt over her marriage and her decision to stop breastfeeding in an effort to improve her own mental health.

While many of the entries were undated, one from November 18, 2022, around two months before the killings, read: 'It's like I'm so desperate to get a mental break from taking care of everyone that my mind is trying to make something physically wrong with me.'

In the months leading up to the killings, Clancy also kept detailed notes on the psychiatric medications she was prescribed and the side effects she experienced, documenting her struggles with sleep and depression.

While the journals painted a harrowing picture of a mother struggling to cope, testimony from some medical staff challenged Clancy's claim that she was suffering from postpartum psychosis.

Dr Jhilam Biswas, a forensic psychiatrist at Brigham and Women's Hospital, testified that she evaluated Clancy on January 26, 2023 - two days after the killings.

Clancy was awake but intubated, meaning she could not speak, so doctors communicated with her using pen and paper.

When asked about her mood, Clancy wrote: 'Horrified.'

Using the pen and paper, Clancy also had questions for the doctors.

One of the first questions she wrote was: 'Do I have an attorney?'

She also asked, 'Is my body broken? Are my legs straight?' and whether she could have visitors and where her family was.

It remains unclear whether Clancy was referring to her children or whether she knew they had died.

The psychiatrist then testified that she saw no signs of psychosis in her assessment of Clancy.

She told jurors that while psychosis presents in many different ways, people hearing voices will often appear to be actively responding to or interacting with them - which Clancy was not.

This prompted a fiery cross-examination from Reddington, leading the psychiatrist to admit she had only seen Clancy once - and only for around 20 to 30 minutes.

She also acknowledged that psychosis can fluctuate and that patients can experience 'moments of clarity.'

Jurors also heard from psychiatrist Dr Sejal Shah, who began treating Clancy on January 29, 2023, five days after the killings.

That day, Clancy requested to change her healthcare proxy from Patrick to her parents.

By then she was no longer on a breathing tube and was able to speak.

However, she was suffering from visual hallucinations and felt delirious, the psychiatrist testified.

The psychiatrist said Clancy had recently undergone major spinal surgery, had just come off anesthesia, had an elevated heart rate and low oxygen saturation, all of which could have contributed to the hallucinations and delirium.

Dr Shah said that she waited until the following day when Clancy no longer felt delirious before allowing her to change her healthcare proxy.

During her subsequent treatment of Clancy, she said the mom-of-three denied having hallucinations, delusions, or suicidal and homicidal thoughts.

In her medical records, it was noted that Clancy's mood was 'okay' and she seemed to be 'future-orientated.'

Yet, the psychiatrist confirmed that people can plan and act on plans in a state of psychosis.

Despite telling the doctors that she did not feel suicidal, Clancy asked to sign a do not resuscitate (DNR) order. Dr Shah testified that they refused, because of Clancy's apparent suicide attempt days earlier.

A nurse at the hospital, Rachelle Amadee, testified earlier on Monday that there had been discussion among the medical staff that Clancy may have postpartum psychosis - a key moment which marked the first time that such a diagnosis was mentioned during the trial.

As multiple medical experts testified throughout the day about her own mental and physical conditions, Clancy remained largely composed and attentive.

But when doctors testified in heartbreaking detail about Callan's death earlier in the day, she crumpled in tears.

While Cora and Dawson were pronounced dead that awful night, her eight-month-old son still had a heartbeat and was placed on life support. But he was brain dead and was taken off life support on January 27, 2023.

If convicted, Clancy will be sentenced to life without parole. If acquitted by reason of insanity, she will be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

The trial continues.