Report: White People Completely Unaffected By Jalapeño Recall

U.S. — A new report confirmed that white people remained totally unaffected after a massive recall was issued across the U.S. for contaminated jalapeños.

Salmonella poisoning from tainted jalapeños struck hundreds of non-white people over the past week, leading to dozens of hospitalizations.

"This is a serious health emergency for anyone who isn't Caucasian," explained infectious disease specialist Dr. Richard Gonzalez. "We're urging Hispanics, Asians, and anyone else who regularly consumes food with actual flavor to check their refrigerators immediately. White people can pretty much go about their business."

According to health officials, the contaminated peppers were distributed to grocery stores and restaurants nationwide, potentially endangering millions of Americans who have some level of melanin. "Jalapeños? Oh gosh, no," said Minnesota resident Carol Whitmore while preparing an unseasoned chicken breast. "I accidentally touched a jalapeño on a nacho plate once. They almost had to amputate my finger, the pain was so severe. No, I think we're good and safe from the recall."

At publishing time, the FDA had expanded the recall to serrano peppers, leaving white people still completely safe.

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