By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-14 20:40:14 | Updated at 2026-09-14 22:07:30
1 hour ago
WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NY — As authorities continued to gather information about the rogue band of superpowered individuals known as the X-Men, a new report surfaced that the mutant Wolverine developed his regenerative healing factor to survive the Canadian healthcare system.
The feral hero, identified only as "Logan," reportedly originated from Canada, where the healthcare system is so dystopian that his mutant physiology was forced to adapt and evolve to heal his injuries at a rapid rate due to long waits to see medical care providers.
"His powers evolved out of necessity," said one expert on mutant physiology. "Imagine growing up not only in the harsh, unforgiving wastelands of the Canadian wilderness but also being unable to see a doctor or receive adequate medical attention for severe injuries. Logan's mutant body found a workaround that allowed him to heal quickly and avoid having to wait to see a doctor."
An investigative reporter who tracked down the elusive hero was able to get a quote confirming the origin of his healing factor. "I ain't got time to wait for healthcare, bub," Wolverine said. "I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do ain't sittin' on some waiting list to get treatment for my battle scars. You see the reports about how long people are waiting for surgeries? That's a no-go for me, bub. Now my healing factor takes care of it. Other Canadians ain't so lucky."
At publishing time, other reports were unconfirmed that the optic blast powers from the X-Man known as Cyclops resulted from a botched LASIK eye surgery.
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