By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-12-18 17:05:18 | Updated at 2024-12-18 20:04:28
3 hours ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. continued his campaign to make America healthy again by advising kids to leave out a pile of bacon and some beef tallow for Santa this yea.
According to Kennedy, the change will help Santa lower his intake of carbs and dairy, which ought to stave off any effects of morbid obesity for a few more years.
"Kids, are you trying to kill Santa Claus?" Kennedy said at a press conference Wednesday. "The poor guy must eat 50 billion cookies a year, completely empty carbs. Milk would be okay, but you hooligans are giving Santa the pastuerized, processed stuff instead of raw milk straight from the cow. Saint Nick needs a change. Saint Nick needs bacon."
In addition to bacon and beef tallow, Kennedy offered a few other options to leave out for Santa. Families may choose from a T-bone steak, a freshly caught river trout, or an uncooked elk. All ingredients are to be left out raw, with the exception of bacon, which may be cooked in the beef tallow.
At publishing time, Santa had asked if he could have a "cheat house" every 6 or 7 houses, but Kennedy turned down his request.
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