By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-17 18:25:22 | Updated at 2025-03-18 05:42:07
11 hours ago
CHICAGO — A daring raid overseen by Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr has led to the apprehension of individuals tied to the illegal sale and distribution of deadly substances such as sugars and seed oils.
At 6 AM, HHS agents turned over a table full of deadly Girl Scout cookies situated outside an Aldi at the corner of State and 74th, surprising the scouts and their customers. Agents met with minimal resistance as they rounded up two ten-year-old girls, their moms, and four customers who were caught in the act of buying Thin Mints. Over thirty boxes of Girl Scout cookies were confiscated, making this one of the largest and most successful HHS raids to date.
"Today we come one step closer to making America healthy again," aides insist RFK Jr said. "And these villains will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."
RFK Jr, who made waves early in his tenure as HHS Secretary by declaring all sugars and seed oils contraband, is reportedly seeking the maximum legal penalty for the Girl Scouts, calling them "vile scumbags who care nothing for human life."
Local authorities speculate the recent crackdown on Girl Scouts will only lead to an underground movement of organized cookie resellers run by mob bosses hoping to corner the market on sugar and seed oil deals. But RFK Jr has a message for anyone daring to defy his prohibition on sugars and seed oils. "We will find you, and we will kill you," he said while posing with detained Girl Scouts for a photo op.
At publishing time, RFK Jr established an "untouchable" squad of diabetics and people with inflammatory conditions who would not be susceptible to corruption or bribery by organized sugar and seed oil gangs.
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