By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-14 19:20:27 | Updated at 2025-03-14 21:46:52
2 hours ago
HADES — The worst fears of many were realized in terrifying fashion today, as Satan confirmed that all of the bathroom stalls in Hell have 11-inch gaps between the doors and side panels.
"Yes. It's true. We do allow our residents to use public bathrooms, but there are almost foot-wide gaps in the stall doors so... you know... have fun with that," The Prince Of Darkness confirmed. "It is Hell, after all."
Residents of Perdition reported many awkward encounters as they went about doing their business.
"In some public restroom back up on Earth it's normal to have a little gap in between the stall doors but these giant spaces are ridiculous," said condemned sinner Jim Olson. "You can make actual eye contact with anyone passing by, and man... it's unnerving to be sitting there and see someone walk by. It's like ‘Hey, man… just... look the other way, OK?'"
Satan said he was just following standard Hell building codes and wasn't trying to make things hard for his minions.
"Look, this is Hell, right? It's not supposed to be pleasant. Not everything is going to be roses down here, but at least we have public restrooms, unlike many American cities, where you just walk around all day holding it because the city councils decided to spend their money on statues of communists instead. I'm really sorry Hell doesn't meet your standards."
At publishing time, Satan also confirmed that there are coffee shops in Hell, but they all only have oat milk instead of real milk.
Under a new presidential order, posting in support of Ukraine will automatically draft you into the military.
