By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-02 19:30:12 | Updated at 2026-09-02 20:25:21
58 minutes ago
BARAD-DÛR, MORDOR — Accused of attempting to enslave all the free peoples of Middle-earth and cover the land with darkness, the Dark Lord Sauron explained he only did it because he was suffering from postpartum depression.
The Mouth of Sauron confronted the encroaching Army of the West before the Black Gate this morning to share his master's words, hoping it would prick the hearts of Men and cause them to retreat.
"Is there anyone in this rout capable of understanding postpartum depression?" the Mouth of Sauron asked before singling out Aragorn. "Not thou at least. It takes more to understand hormones than this elvish glass."
According to the Mouth of Sauron, his master only launched a campaign to dominate the peoples of Middle-earth because he was feeling intense sadness and anxiety consistent with PPD.
Sauron is one of the Maiar, an angelic being created with no gender that instead takes on a human form. Therefore, according to Mordor scientists, Sauron is capable of suffering from PPD even though he exists in the form of a man — and also has never given birth.
"But making the One Ring was kind of like giving birth. It's why he's super sad and kills everyone," said Mordor biologist Steve of Nurn.
"The Dark Lord was very uspset. His hormones were all over the place. Do you even know what hormones are, Old Greybeard?" the Mouth of Sauron asked Gandalf. "You have not the wit to comprehend them."
Despite the please, Sauron was arrested and brought into court to face thousands of charges of torture and murder. On the witness stand, Sauron admitted to crying a lot about having to live in the world of Men, which he claims justified his quest to kill everyone. "I am not responsible for my actions," said Sauron. "The wrath just came over me, you know?"
At publishing time, Aragorn had commanded the Army of the West to stand down, feeling woefully unprepared to deal with "womanly" things.
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