By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-11-22 22:10:23 | Updated at 2024-11-23 03:11:30
5 hours ago
CAMBRIDGE — Though it was long thought to be prohibited except for reasons of sexual immorality, Bible scholars now say they have uncovered definitive evidence that divorce is also authorized in extreme cases when a spouse is caught playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
"Playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving is a vile practice, only common among young children and animals, and, therefore, grounds for divorce," said Dr. Matthew Straud, a professor at Tyndale House, a center for Biblical research.
This updated understanding of divorce comes from an in-depth analysis of the earliest manuscripts, which they said includes a variance of Matthew 19:9 in a newly discovered fragment. The variant mentions divorce in light of "ἡμέρα τοῦ γοργοῦ πετεινοῦ" or "the day of the swift bird."
"This can only be referring to Thanksgiving," said Dr. Woodrow Livingston, a linguist who analyzed the fragmented text. "Either that or serving cranberry sauce out of a can. Disgusting."
He added, "I divorced my wife last year for playing Wham's 'Last Christmas' a week before Thanksgiving. I've been determined to prove I didn't sin ever since. Now, I've finally done it."
The Pope expressed his intent to adopt the updated translation as part of Catholic doctrine. "This will place many divorced Catholics back in good standing with Mother Church," the pontiff said.
Dr. Neil Wresterson, a professor of New Testament Studies explained that this new understanding of divorce only increased his faith in the divinity of the scripture. "It's been a major faux pas for years, but we now know that the anger we feel toward people who play Christmas music too early is evidence that the law is truly written on our hearts, just as the Bible says," he said.
At publishing time, Zondervan Publishing announced the release of an updated Bible translation which features the updated verse. The Turkey Bible is expected to arrive in stores in time for Christmas.
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