Ranjini reminisces with a mix of nostalgia and regret about her years fighting in Sri Lanka's civil war as a former company commander of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), popularly known as the Tamil Tigers.
The 54-year-old recalls the camaraderie and sense of purpose felt during the conflict, even as she still struggles to find her place in a post-war society. Because of her crippling battle injuries, Ranjini limps, and can use only one arm.
"The sacrifices … the promises of a Tamil homeland remain unrealized. Somehow, I feel I am better prepared for death than for life," she told DW.
Ranjini lives in rural Kilinochchi, once a stronghold of the LTTE, with her 18-year-old daughter, Blessiya. She runs a poultry farm to earn a living.
"I only live now to see that she gets a good education and then a job and does not face any stigma," she said.
Ranjini surrendered less than a month before the 30-year-old bloody war ended in May 2009 with the defeat of the LTTE. She spent a year in the northern rehabilitation camp of Vavuniya.
Former fighters pick up the pieces
"Many people still view us with distrust, fearing we might still harbor militant tendencies. The initial rejection isolated many women combatants socially, making it harder to rebuild familial or community ties essential for reintegration," she said.
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According to government figures, some 12,000 LTTE fighters who gave themselves up were taken prisoner and underwent "rehabilitation" at the end of the war. There were about 3,000 female ex-combatants.
The women returned to communities with little financial assistance or social capital, leaving them vulnerable to poverty and isolation.
Even after all these years, former women cadres, in particular, face distrust from both within and outside their communities.
The war disrupted family and community networks, leaving many women without the traditional support systems that might have facilitated reintegration.
Despite government-led rehabilitation programs, opportunities remain scarce for these women, who once played active roles as combatants in the LTTE's fight for a separate Tamil state.
In many cases, rehabilitation often pushed these women into roles such as sewing, cooking, or other low-skill, low-wage jobs, rather than recognizing the varied skills they developed during the conflict, like leadership, strategy, or technical abilities.
"Sometimes I feel our silence should speak louder, especially for former women cadres who have been pushed into social exile and anonymity," said Ranjini.
The long-lasting effects of war
The brutal end of Sri Lanka's civil war, the huge loss of civilian life during the conflict and the disappearances of many of those who surrendered, still has a profound effect on the former women combatants.
Kalaiselvi Jayakumar, 42, who was part of the then LTTE's attack regiment, is still finding her feet. She was recruited in the Tigers' ranks when she was just 16 years old.
"The lack of a formal education suited to a peacetime economy is a barrier as my formative years was spent in conflict. It is making it harder to seek work or build new lives outside," Jayakumar told DW.
"I think our reintegration requires not just jobs but a reimagining of our place in society and recognizing our complex identities as fighters, survivors, and women," she added.

Many women were frontline fighters for several years, and some for decades. Many of them left school and joined the LTTE where they fought, were injured, survived, and finally surrendered.
Can politics help?
Economic opportunities in the northern and eastern provinces of Sri Lanka have also been scarce, largely due to the legacy of conflict and ongoing challenges in post-war recovery.
Sri Lanka's broader economic crisis in 2022, slow and unequal reconstruction and local governance inefficiencies have amplified these issues.
Sivanathan Navindra, a former LTTE member and bodyguard to former LTTE chief Velupillai Prabhakaran, who has been involved in political activities post-conflict is hoping elections can lead to progress.
"The Democratic Tamil National Alliance (DTNA) is a political alliance in Sri Lanka that represents the country's Sri Lankan Tamil ethnic minority. It now operates within the democratic framework and will contest the upcoming local government elections in May," Venthan told DW.
Councilors will be elected to 340 councils throughout the island. Over 17 million people are eligible to vote.
This would be the first electoral test for the current government led by Anura Kumara Dissanayake since it won the presidential and parliamentary elections in the last quarter of 2024.
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Edited by: Wesley Rahn