By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-12-31 23:40:19 | Updated at 2025-01-03 21:46:24
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A new year is upon us, with the sun setting on the darkness and despair that once was and hope rising again like the morning sun. Or something like that. What is in store for the world in 2025?
We at The Babylon Bee know exactly what's coming because we are prophets. Here's what you can expect.
January 19 - Kamala Harris becomes first female president after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow
January 20 - Donald J. Trump is sworn in as president, instantly making America great again and killing billions of people around the globe
January 21 - Nancy Pelosi files new articles of impeachment against Trump
February 3 - The New York Times runs a shocking article exposing how Haitian migrants in Springfield, OH have been eating people's pets
February 12 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee
February 20 - Vice President J.D. Vance opens the first of many government birthing camps for women
March 7 - Something really important happens in Europe. Nobody in America cares.
March 17 - The last three remaining Irishmen in Ireland celebrate St. Patrick's Day
March 23 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee
March 31 - RFK Jr. orders all future vaccines to be tested on Dr. Anthony Fauci
April 1 - In a hilarious April Fool's Day prank, Trump invades Greenland
April 18 - A bloodied Trump emerges from the Cave of Time, informing the world he has defeated the Clockotron, leader of the Grand Clock Army, ending Daylight Saving Time once and for all
April 21 - Hunter Biden announces he has quit using cocaine
April 28 - Hunter Biden announces he has quit using cocaine
May 1 - The Chicago White Sox are eliminated from playoff contention
May 4 - Trump declares Star Wars Day a national holiday and signs executive order erasing the sequel trilogy from canon
May 15 - SpaceX successfully lands rocket on Mars and releases robot that engraves the word "BOOBS" on the planet's surface
May 31 - Disney executives weep after finding they have no more intellectual properties to destroy
June 12 - Ellen DeGeneres gets caught trying to cross the Rio Grande to sneak back into the U.S.
June 20 - Congressional Democrats propose a bill to erect a statue of beloved national hero Luigi Magioni in the Capitol Rotunda
June 24 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee
June 29 - California is swallowed up by overgrown lawns after mass deportation of Mexican landscapers
July 9 - Concerns rise over climate change once again as it starts getting pretty hot outside
July 11 - Millions of moviegoers flock to theaters to see a new Superman movie starring someone who isn't nearly as cool as Henry Cavill
July 19 - The Babylon Bee gets banned from BlueSky, forcing Elon Musk to purchase the platform for $37
July 26 - After weeks of intensely polite protest, Canada officially joined the U.S. as the 51st state
August 5 - Buc-ee's opens its first location on the moon
August 10 - Mitch McConnell starts giving a speech on the Senate floor
August 16 - Mitch McConnell resumes speech on the Senate floor after a six-day pause
August 25 - California finishes counting ballots from the 2024 election
September 2 - Arizona finishes counting ballots from the 2020 election
September 8 - Ribbon cutting ceremony to open the Joe Biden Presidential Library & Nursing Home
September 16 - Buc-ee's opens second moon location due to heavy traffic at the first moon location
September 25 - All animal life on Earth is extinguished after too many people join the carnivore diet
November 5 - Americans gather to celebrate the anniversary of Kamala Harris's defeat
November 13 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee
November 22 - Trump releases secret JFK files revealing that President Kennedy was killed by seed oils
November 27 - Trump orders mass incarceration of people who serve "tofurkey" for Thanksgiving dinner
December 6 - All the celebrities who announced they were leaving X in 2025 announce they will leave X in 2026
December 22 - The U.S. Postal Service begins delivering packages from Christmas 2024
December 25 - Conservatives continue the annual holiday tradition of ripping each other to shreds on social media
December 31 - Scientists conclude yet another year of intense research without finding anyone who enjoyed Amazon's Rings of Power. Also, Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee.
What are you looking forward to most in 2025? What are your predictions? Post them in the comments below.
Not Satire: Right now Christians are fleeing attacks in Nigeria, tyranny in North Korea, and death threats in Bangladesh. Christians elsewhere are beaten, outcast, and impoverished.
Would you like a way to help them and focus your prayers? And Bible verses to guide you?
Christian Freedom International's calendar will help you pray for persecuted Christians.
Each picture is of Christians living in high-risk areas. They were each helped by Christian Freedom International with aid, such as food and shelter for Christians fleeing persecution, job skills to make a living, and Bible training to live and share their faith.
You can display this attractive calendar in your home, office, or church. Use it to let others know that Christians are persecuted throughout the world and that there are ways we can help.
Thanks to clown world, it's been a great year for comedy. Here are some of our top-performing sketches of 2024!
