The Babylon Bee's Predictions For 2025

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Posted on 01/01/2025 9:04:17 AM PST by DFG

A new year is upon us, with the sun setting on the darkness and despair that once was and hope rising again like the morning sun. Or something like that. What is in store for the world in 2025?

We at The Babylon Bee know exactly what's coming because we are prophets. Here's what you can expect.

January 19 - Kamala Harris becomes first female president after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

January 20 - Donald J. Trump is sworn in as president, instantly making America great again and killing billions of people around the globe

January 21 - Nancy Pelosi files new articles of impeachment against Trump

February 3 - The New York Times runs a shocking article exposing how Haitian migrants in Springfield, OH have been eating people's pets

February 12 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

February 20 - Vice President J.D. Vance opens the first of many government birthing camps for women

March 7 - Something really important happens in Europe. Nobody in America cares.

March 17 - The last three remaining Irishmen in Ireland celebrate St. Patrick's Day

March 23 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

March 31 - RFK Jr. orders all future vaccines to be tested on Dr. Anthony Fauci

April 1 - In a hilarious April Fool's Day prank, Trump invades Greenland

April 18 - A bloodied Trump emerges from the Cave of Time, informing the world he has defeated the Clockotron, leader of the Grand Clock Army, ending Daylight Saving Time once and for all

April 21 - Hunter Biden announces he has quit using cocaine

April 28 - Hunter Biden announces he has quit using cocaine

May 1 - The Chicago White Sox are eliminated from playoff contention

May 4 - Trump declares Star Wars Day a national holiday and signs executive order erasing the sequel trilogy from canon

May 15 - SpaceX successfully lands rocket on Mars and releases robot that engraves the word "BOOBS" on the planet's surface

May 31 - Disney executives weep after finding they have no more intellectual properties to destroy

June 12 - Ellen DeGeneres gets caught trying to cross the Rio Grande to sneak back into the U.S.

June 20 - Congressional Democrats propose a bill to erect a statue of beloved national hero Luigi Mangione in the Capitol Rotunda

June 24 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

June 29 - California is swallowed up by overgrown lawns after mass deportation of Mexican landscapers

July 9 - Concerns rise over climate change once again as it starts getting pretty hot outside

July 11 - Millions of moviegoers flock to theaters to see a new Superman movie starring someone who isn't nearly as cool as Henry Cavill

July 19 - The Babylon Bee gets banned from BlueSky, forcing Elon Musk to purchase the platform for $37

July 26 - After weeks of intensely polite protest, Canada officially joins the U.S. as the 51st state

August 5 - Buc-ee's opens its first location on the moon

August 10 - Mitch McConnell starts giving a speech on the Senate floor

August 16 - Mitch McConnell resumes speech on the Senate floor after a six-day pause

August 25 - California finishes counting ballots from the 2024 election

September 2 - Arizona finishes counting ballots from the 2020 election

September 8 - Ribbon cutting ceremony to open the Joe Biden Presidential Library & Nursing Home

September 16 - Buc-ee's opens second moon location due to heavy traffic at the first moon location

September 25 - All animal life on Earth is extinguished after too many people join the carnivore diet

November 5 - Americans gather to celebrate the anniversary of Kamala Harris's defeat

November 13 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

November 22 - Trump releases secret JFK files revealing that President Kennedy was killed by seed oils

November 27 - Trump orders mass incarceration of people who serve "tofurkey" for Thanksgiving dinner

December 6 - All the celebrities who announced they were leaving X in 2025 announce they will leave X in 2026

December 22 - The U.S. Postal Service begins delivering packages from Christmas 2024

December 25 - Conservatives continue the annual holiday tradition of ripping each other to shreds on social media

December 31 - Scientists conclude yet another year of intense research without finding anyone who enjoyed Amazon's Rings of Power. Also, Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee.

What are you looking forward to most in 2025? What are your predictions? Post them in the comments below.

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1 posted on 01/01/2025 9:04:17 AM PST by DFG

To: DFG

2 posted on 01/01/2025 9:07:24 AM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear ( Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I can pick out the clowns at 100 yards.)

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