By Daily Mail (U.S.) | Created at 2024-12-06 12:55:22 | Updated at 2024-12-22 15:57:36
2 weeks ago
We’ve all lost touch with friends we are simply too busy to see, or have little in common with any more.
The split feels painful, but inevitable, and can happen over months or even years.
But what happens when you’ve reached the end of your tether and are considering suddenly cutting ties with someone close to you?
Increasingly, we’re encouraged to ‘draw boundaries’ and only maintain relationships that ‘serve’ us. But a knee-jerk decision to cancel a friendship could actually harm our sense of wellbeing, rather than heal it, warns counsellor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer (georginasturmer.co.uk).
Here she reveals the eight questions you should ask yourself to work out whether it’s time to ditch a pal for good…
We can sometimes reach the end of our tether with a friend and find ourselves considering whether to cut ties with someone who is close to use
A knee-jerk decision to cancel a friendship could actually harm our sense of wellbeing, rather than heal it, warns counsellor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer, pictured
1. HAS YOUR FRIEND COMMITTED A ‘DEAL BREAKER’?
Some things are very hard to come back from, if not impossible. Not all moral codes are universal, however, which means that there are different – and often invisible, at least until crossed! – ‘red lines’ in every friendship. Obvious deal breakers for many might be your friend making a move on your partner or risking your children’s safety somehow – but most friendships that reach breaking point end up there for less extreme infractions.
So, has your friend crossed one of your red lines? Maybe their actions towards others concern you, or they’ve left you feeling let down, betrayed or violated.
If they have, then ask yourself whether or not you want to bring this up explicitly with them (see question 7 for help with this). It might be worth having an open discussion - although, on the other hand, you might feel disappointed to have to explain yourself.
If, after proper consideration, forgiveness isn’t feasible, it’s time to withdraw. But doing so can be difficult. Having your trust broken is hard enough – but ending a friendship may make you feel guilty and as if you’re disloyal, which is even harder. Stand firm. Remember, you don’t owe anyone the sort of friendship that they don’t return in kind.
2. HOW DOES SPENDING TIME WITH THEM REALLY FEEL?
Go on, tune into your gut. If they walked into the room right now, how would you feel? Calm, confident, energetic or valued? Or perhaps anxious, annoyed or overwhelmed. Our friends alter our moods and meet our needs in different ways. The party friend, the shoulder to cry on, the wing-man, the partner for shared hobbies. But if you are dreading seeing someone, or finding them exhausting, listen to your instinct. This doesn’t always mean the friendship should be jettisoned – unless you truly feel worse with them around than without them. But putting boundaries in place such as limiting the amount of time you spend together could improve the friendship.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF IN THEIR COMPANY?
It’s natural for our tone of voice, mannerisms, sense of humour and energy levels to shift slightly in different company. Good friends can bring out the best in us. But with this friend, do you become a worse version of yourself? Someone angry or anxious or gossipy or unkind or lacking confidence? This comes at a cost – it can have a long-term impact on your self-esteem. Who you surround yourself with matters, so if someone is changing you for the worse, move on.
4. DO THEY NEED MORE THAN YOU CAN GIVE – AND NEVER GIVE BACK?
In times of difficulty, friends might need us more than usual. But if a friend consistently needs more support than you can offer, this can feel uncomfortable, especially if they never return the favour. Assess what’s really going on: should you encourage them to seek professional help? Or is your friend stuck in the role of permanent ‘victim’, forcing those around them to ‘rescue’ them continually? If so, first try stepping back from being the rescuer and see if the friendship survives. If it works, it will make the relationship more balanced and allow the ‘victim’ to learn self-reliance. If not, perhaps withdrawing is right.
5. ARE YOU ANXIOUSLY CLINGING ON – OR TOO KEEN TO WALK AWAY?
Some of us hate endings and cling on for dear life. But others actively instigate them, walking away from friends or romantic partners when things start to feel intimate. It’s easy to say this is because you value your independence, but it could be commitment-phobia. Think back – if you have drifted from friendship to friendship over the years, holding on to few people for long, what you call your ‘independent spirit’ could be you unconsciously putting an expiry date on relationships. Is there something deeper going on? If you have internalised a belief that you will eventually be rejected, then you are likely to push people away when they become close, protecting yourself before that can happen. Is that what you’re doing here? Or is there an objectively good reason to cut things off?
6. WHAT KNOCK-ON EFFECT WILL THIS BREAK-UP HAVE?
Friendships rarely exist in isolation. So extricating yourself isn’t always simple – you could lose more than one friend. In order to protect yourself, consider any potential fallout or ‘taking sides’. If you lose this friend, will it have an impact on your social life? Is the ‘ex’ friend likely to try to turn other people against you? If so, it’s worth thinking about your support network. Which friends will stand by you, regardless? And how might you fill your time if the former friend played a big role in your social life?
7. DO YOU OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION?
If you have decided to end a friendship, you might feel uncomfortable about offering an explanation or apology – but is it the right thing to do? When we don’t explain our actions, we leave the other person feeling ‘ghosted’. This can hurt. That said, it’s natural to feel anxious about explaining yourself – you might worry about offending them, or fear their response. That makes this a very personal decision. If you do ‘officially’ end the friendship, it’s helpful to use ‘I statements’, explaining how you feel, without apportioning blame. Be clear, so they know what to expect from you in the future.
8. DOES IT REALLY NEED TO END?
As we grow up, friendships often follow the same rhythms. But at some point, paths diverge. If a friendship is dwindling because right now you have little in common or live far away, you might be tempted to consider it ‘over’ – but are you being hasty? This often happens if we are in a different phase of our lives from each other: in our career, relationships, financial or living situation, or perhaps becoming parents. But think about the future, and about that person’s good qualities – the things that originally drew you to them. Perhaps that friend should stay in your life, just in a different way. If so, it may be worth sending the odd text and making time for a phone call or coffee now and then.
