By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-08-07 18:40:25 | Updated at 2026-08-07 19:16:33
39 minutes ago
SOUTH BEND, IN — The debate over dangerous pets heated up again after a woman took her pet velociraptor out for a walk and declared, "There aren't any bad pets, only bad owners."
Sarah Orton took her pet velociraptor named Bandit around the neighborhood to prove her point that her happy dinosaur pal was perfectly safe due to being raised properly with lots of love, care, and good training. Critics have argued, however, that modern-day velociraptors have been "bred to kill" by the InGen Corporation, utilizing experimental cloning techniques that heavily rely on splicing with amphibian DNA.
"You can't bring that thing around my kids," said one concerned neighborhood mother. "These InGen-bred velociraptors are 200 pounds of pure muscle, tooth, and claw, and no one knows what they are capable of when kept around human beings."
"Oh, that's just anti-velociraptor propaganda," said Orton as her velociraptor began playing with some nearby children. "Raptors like Bandit are perfectly safe to be in the home, around children, and out in public anywhere. Anyone saying otherwise is basically a dinosaur racist."
When presented with facts on the annual number of velociraptor attacks on humans since they were brought back to life on Isla Nublar, Orton replied, "You don't want to be racist and discriminatory just because of some statistics or one-off events, do you?"
At publishing time, Bandit, the cute and cuddly velociraptor, had mauled 13 humans in the park, including Orton.
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