By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-01-31 18:40:18 | Updated at 2025-01-31 21:52:48
3 hours ago
SAINT PAUL, MN — The community expressed disdain after one local loser was found to still have one of those cars that starts with a key.
According to friends and family, Matthew Newman still drives a 2004 Honda Accord that requires a physical key to start it.
"He pulled this weird metal object out of his pocket before he got into his car," recalled Phillip Butler, who was a friend of Newman's before the incident. "My first thought was, 'Dude, it's not the 1970s anymore. We have real cars now.' I wondered what the next thing he was going to tell me — he drives a stick? That's when I decided to cut ties with him."
Newman protested that it was all okay. "Cars are just meant to get you from point A to point B," he said. "Who cares if you have some fancy, high-tech keyless feature?"
Other people in his life confirmed the shame they felt when they discovered his failure to change with the times.
"I've been telling him for years to get with it," said his wife, Patsy Newman. "We don't send telegrams anymore. We don't use rotary phones. They have color television now. He might as well be driving an old Model T Ford."
At publishing time, Newman's now-estranged family and former friends were even more aghast upon finding out that he still used physical light switches in his house instead of having everything synched with an Amazon Alexa.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
