By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-17 21:30:24 | Updated at 2025-03-18 05:42:16
8 hours ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The media were in attendance Monday morning to witness President Trump draw the name of a country from a hat to see who he should apply a tariff to next.
"Looks like we're going to tariff Guatemala," Trump said with a smile. "We're going after bananas. Guatemala has taken advantage of the United States with its banana trade for too long and I'm going to make them pay."
The Tariff Hat, as White House aides informally call it, is a large hat full of slips of paper with the names of different countries on them. Trump reportedly came up with the idea to draw the name of a country from a hat after instituting tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and China and realizing he wasn't sure who to tariff next.
"This really streamlines the process," Chief of Staff Susie Wiles said. "It cuts back on the constant meetings and research. The president can just draw a name from a hat and get to work. Super easy."
Both Republicans and Democrats have scrutinized Trump's behavior, saying indiscriminate tariffs will lead to increased prices for consumers and destabilize trade relations. "You can't tariff indiscriminately," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. Not all countries can handle the increased cost of imports, and they certainly won't take kindly to such a provocation. This may lead to a full-scale world trade war."
Sources say administration officials then gave Schumer a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker.
At publishing time, Trump accidentally dropped the hat and spilled hundreds of country names all over the floor, inadvertently revealing Canada had been placed in the hat over 400 times.
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