By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2026-09-19 15:20:16 | Updated at 2026-09-19 16:24:38
1 hour ago
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Local Uber driver Vish Patel spent hours today searching his phone for the worst possible photo to use in his Uber profile.
"Too friendly," Patel muttered as he swiped past a smiling photo of himself at his daughter's birthday party. "Way too approachable. I need something that really makes you uncomfortable just to look at. Something that makes you question your sanity for getting in a car with me."
According to sources, Patel painstakingly combed through thousands of pictures in hopes of finding something that passengers would find borderline disturbing.
"Ah, here we go," Patel said, finally stopping. "This is the look I'm going for. It's really unclear if I'm angry or if I'm trying to smile, but I had a major stroke. You might think I'm dying of a heart attack or high on pot. There are so many bad ways to read this photo. Absolute perfection."
Patel then uploaded the image and sat back to admire his new profile, which boasts a 4.9-star rating and more than 2,000 completed trips despite featuring a photograph that would normally accompany a police warning.
Uber passenger Melissa Grant said she felt reassured after reading Patel's impressive driving record, right up until she saw his picture.
"I was like, 'Oh good, 4.9 stars,'" Grant said. "Then I saw his face and thought, 'Well, I guess this is how I die.'"
At publishing time, Patel had reportedly received another five-star review reading, "Extremely nice guy. Photo is absolutely terrifying."
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