By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2025-03-28 16:55:24 | Updated at 2025-03-31 11:20:35
2 days ago
LONDON — British authorities took one of the U.K.'s most dangerous individuals off the streets, with police announcing the arrest of an 80-year-old woman for using a butter knife to spread butter on her toast.
"It took the cooperation of three different departments working around the clock to bring this vile fiend to justice," Chief Inspector Gimmy O'Brien of the Metropolitan Police Service said in a press conference following the arrest. "But after a lengthy stakeout and hundreds of man hours, we got her."
The culprit was identified by police as Regina St. John, a retired London schoolteacher. Authorities believed her years spent caring for unruly children radicalized her to dark deeds such as spreading butter on bread or even cutting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in half.
According to witness statements, St. John rebuked authorities as she was dragged out of her wheelchair and pinned to the ground during the daring raid that led to the confiscation of her cutlery. "Ow, my back!" she said in an obvious display of hate speech toward The Crown.
Following the dramatic arrest, Prime Minister Keir Starmer took to X to post a victory message: "I promised to make butter knives illegal. I keep my promises." The post went up with a photo of St. John's mugshot featuring the caption: TOO MUCH CRIME SPREAD OVER TOO MUCH BREAD.
At publishing time, special tactical teams had begun going door to door throughout the London metropolitan area in search of other dangerous people who may be in possession of butter knives and other deadly weapons.
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