By The Babylon Bee | Created at 2024-11-21 22:45:17 | Updated at 2024-11-22 05:10:25
6 hours ago
FLINT, MI — A local suburban neighborhood was thrown into shock after news spread that housewife Eleanor Schmidt had just committed seppuku in shame after failing to clean her house before the cleaning lady arrived.
Eleanor, who was survived by her husband, Peter, and their three children, reportedly spent over four hours vacuuming, wiping down counters, cleaning the bathrooms, polishing the mirrors, and generally "straightening up the house" in an attempt to make the home more presentable before the cleaning lady got there.
Tragically, her efforts were in vain, as the cleaning lady arrived and proceeded to pick up the assorted laundry lying on the living room furniture, which Eleanor had totally forgotten about.
"I can't let the cleaning lady see the house like this," Eleanor reportedly said before retreating to the bedroom with a ceremonial knife. "I will now pay for this dishonor with my life."
Eleanor's husband was despondent over the loss of his wife. "Why did she have to go like this?" he groaned. "She had the house almost completely clean when Rosita knocked on our door... if only she'd been able to complete her mission instead of having to die in dishonor. Goodbye, my love. I will dust the top of the ceiling fan blades in your memory."
Peter then went out and wept bitterly.
At publishing time, Elanor's family had made arrangements to have her cremated before spreading her ashes across the living room floor, which would then be promptly swept up in an act of tribute.
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